Time to live again

We had our Halloween party without him....they walked the woods and danced like he was there with us....

I'm back from a long hiatus of more than a year. This past year was a really hard one. My last trip to Western Canada was really hard on us all when I realised how much my husband was struggling with things. He was really irrational and moody and I was very unhappy about the time in close quarters because it meant I could observe things I kinda wished I hadn't. He wasn't really as healthy as I would have liked and he was less motivated. Gone was the guy I knew 10 years before that would get up and read the paper and do things before 9 am! Now he slept a lot more and did hiking and other things but unlike before he slowed his pace down quite a bit. Age - yes it does do this but really I saw more and thought that a year without work was taking a lot out of him. When I would leave for work I had no idea if he was up and at things but it seemed he was going back to bed. 6 months later I would find him back in bed for the last time and my life never will be the same again.

There are things that are nice- I was able to pay off some of our bills that were getting pretty high. I was able to get a cat. I only see what I loved in him now- funny how that is. I would trade all these and the other things that I find less stressful in a millisecond to have him back. We had been fighting more than we should have before he died and that's pretty normal when one person is working and the other can't get a job and the bills start to pile up. Now that I know he was suffering from internal issues I understand things more and wish that i knew then what was causing him to do them- the sleeping and the breathlessness and the fatigue overall. I asked him to get checked by an MD- but mid as well have asked for him to go to the moon.

I still cannot write of all the thoughts I have - of all the parts of him I miss of all the memories that come to me on the bus and when I drive. Or how 11 and 13 are so young not to have their dad.