I don't have a lot of social stuff....people who want to see us have to fit it in between what is a pretty full calendar. I was thinking the other day that just to write an email asking us " how are you?" shouldn't be hard. I am saddened by the people who cry at the funeral and walk out the door only to forget you a moment later, and not even feel badly about it.
I am looking forward to getting together with my friends this weekend and I have another person who invited me next week to a pot luck and I kinda feel like going but it's hard to get past the fact that in all the time after I lost my husband she never came by. I'm on her way home too.
It's hard because I really want to be happy but it bothers me that people can not seem to feel bad about the efforts they should have made, non existent efforts amount to making me feel like I should rethink my friends. Part of me thinks I should move back to my home town even if that means feeling a little failed in doing so. I don't have a best friend that calls and the ones that I though were ....well.... I haven't seen them since the funeral ! One spoke to me and I never heard back from her the other "freind" came to the funeral and called once and then that was it. I feel really alone these days.
But I am looking forward to a really nice group- the girls that make me feel part of something and I'll be seeing them this weekend. We aren't the kind to call and gab but we all get along and see each other every week to play soccer.
honestly it's that sort of thing that keeps me happy. I have to focus on those!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
soccer cake
I am no the cake boss but I was proud of the cake the girls made at our house for the coache's bd..... note the team colors on jube jube players....
Europe- I could live there....
I forgot to mention that we went to Paris last month. You know having my parents over this past weekend and thinking the whole time during the visit, I could move anywhere maybe I'll go live in Europe. Sad that it was like that. My parents' attitude is really bad- they always complain about everything and when you complain back they tell me I'm negative. You know when someone bothers you at work or your in- laws say something inappropriate most people have a spouse to vent to. Now with no one but my kids to talk with it's been hard and since my parents seem to vent to me I thought it was a 2 way street. Now I know it's a one way. more quickly I am moving away from talking with them about anything. One thing I despise is people telling others what you tell them in frustration- my mom did this - I was frustrated with the kids not helping and just vented a bit on the way I have so much to do and they were not helping. It was a bad week that way- so who does my mom tell this to? An old high school friend that well is such a self centered fake person I cut her out completely from our life just after I met my husband 15 years ago. At the time she said nasty things to him ( because he's older)when I was out of the room. Then she said I had trapped myself a man because we decided to have a child before we got married. She's not a nice person - not even a friend couldn't my mom just say we are doing fine that we went to Paris and had a great time?
The sad thing is that people probably thought that ( trapping) a lot but he and I had talked about it (having kids) way before it happened and were prepared that it might. I know he was so excitted when it did... We were not surprised because we had decided that would be OK and let go of the situation to let things happen. I was in my mid 20's working full time and I was responsable and he had just gotten a divorce and was mid 30's and worried he'd be too old if we courted for years and then had kids. He was a little wedding shy having just signed D papers and frankly I said I know it might not work out but I never felt the way I felt about him with anyone else and frankly before him I never wanted or cared if I did get married and I never pined for babies.....
Anyway I digress.... another thing I really despise is if you tell someone something and they throw it back in your face. My mom did that too recently. You go through a lot when you loose your spouse really unexpectedly the way I did and I went through all the grief process including anger. I'm probably not completely done but when I was in an angry part of my journey I complained about stupid things people did and shortly thereafter my mother decided to tear me down for complaining I thought she could see it for what it was - part of an emotional process, she made me feel bad about myself for having let myself be who I needed to be with my own parents for that little while. I was never so upset until this weekend when she did it again.
The one thing about being left alone is that everyone tells you what to do. I keep hearing from brother in laws how the house is too big and I shouldn't keep it. Well that's really inappropriate, and I wish people would just stop. I should not defend my choices anymore now than when I made them with a husband. It blows my mind that people think they have a right to tell you how to live just because I am a single woman now.
I guess that bother's me more now because I would like to think that I am capable and frankly I was doing a lot before he died anyway! Adding a few more jobs will not be the end of me. I traveled to Europe and back by myself since he died- I cut the grass all summer, got a a load of wood for winter and stacked it, cleaned the house each week, I make the meals and even got the beets and carrots out of the garden and made homemade soup with my 11yr old son this weekend. I try to make different stuff so it's not the same old food each week. My laundry is always done and my bathrooms are cleaned every week some times we vacuum a couple of times during the week! I fixed the wall where the railing came out I replaced a door handle and I replaced a broken dishwasher and fridge! I will get a bissell and clean the carpets and I will paint as I do every year so the walls look decent. I cleaned all the gardens and planted bulbs and had autome decorations in the fall and now have switched to wreaths- We hung the christmas lights and I replaced the dead bulbs and found the timers.
I think we are doing ok....I just wish I could find a person to complain to now and again and then I would feel better when I need to.
The sad thing is that people probably thought that ( trapping) a lot but he and I had talked about it (having kids) way before it happened and were prepared that it might. I know he was so excitted when it did... We were not surprised because we had decided that would be OK and let go of the situation to let things happen. I was in my mid 20's working full time and I was responsable and he had just gotten a divorce and was mid 30's and worried he'd be too old if we courted for years and then had kids. He was a little wedding shy having just signed D papers and frankly I said I know it might not work out but I never felt the way I felt about him with anyone else and frankly before him I never wanted or cared if I did get married and I never pined for babies.....
Anyway I digress.... another thing I really despise is if you tell someone something and they throw it back in your face. My mom did that too recently. You go through a lot when you loose your spouse really unexpectedly the way I did and I went through all the grief process including anger. I'm probably not completely done but when I was in an angry part of my journey I complained about stupid things people did and shortly thereafter my mother decided to tear me down for complaining I thought she could see it for what it was - part of an emotional process, she made me feel bad about myself for having let myself be who I needed to be with my own parents for that little while. I was never so upset until this weekend when she did it again.
The one thing about being left alone is that everyone tells you what to do. I keep hearing from brother in laws how the house is too big and I shouldn't keep it. Well that's really inappropriate, and I wish people would just stop. I should not defend my choices anymore now than when I made them with a husband. It blows my mind that people think they have a right to tell you how to live just because I am a single woman now.
I guess that bother's me more now because I would like to think that I am capable and frankly I was doing a lot before he died anyway! Adding a few more jobs will not be the end of me. I traveled to Europe and back by myself since he died- I cut the grass all summer, got a a load of wood for winter and stacked it, cleaned the house each week, I make the meals and even got the beets and carrots out of the garden and made homemade soup with my 11yr old son this weekend. I try to make different stuff so it's not the same old food each week. My laundry is always done and my bathrooms are cleaned every week some times we vacuum a couple of times during the week! I fixed the wall where the railing came out I replaced a door handle and I replaced a broken dishwasher and fridge! I will get a bissell and clean the carpets and I will paint as I do every year so the walls look decent. I cleaned all the gardens and planted bulbs and had autome decorations in the fall and now have switched to wreaths- We hung the christmas lights and I replaced the dead bulbs and found the timers.
I think we are doing ok....I just wish I could find a person to complain to now and again and then I would feel better when I need to.
New family cat
I have a new cat and he sems happy enough but twice I have found he peed on my couches and now I wonder what else might he might have hit and it worries me.
He's a nice cat and very affectionate on his terms and starting to warm to the existing dog.
He even hopped up to the couch and slept beside the dog last week. I hope he settles in and I also hope that he does not pee on anything else!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Time to live again
We had our Halloween party without him....they walked the woods and danced like he was there with us....
I'm back from a long hiatus of more than a year. This past year was a really hard one. My last trip to Western Canada was really hard on us all when I realised how much my husband was struggling with things. He was really irrational and moody and I was very unhappy about the time in close quarters because it meant I could observe things I kinda wished I hadn't. He wasn't really as healthy as I would have liked and he was less motivated. Gone was the guy I knew 10 years before that would get up and read the paper and do things before 9 am! Now he slept a lot more and did hiking and other things but unlike before he slowed his pace down quite a bit. Age - yes it does do this but really I saw more and thought that a year without work was taking a lot out of him. When I would leave for work I had no idea if he was up and at things but it seemed he was going back to bed. 6 months later I would find him back in bed for the last time and my life never will be the same again.
There are things that are nice- I was able to pay off some of our bills that were getting pretty high. I was able to get a cat. I only see what I loved in him now- funny how that is. I would trade all these and the other things that I find less stressful in a millisecond to have him back. We had been fighting more than we should have before he died and that's pretty normal when one person is working and the other can't get a job and the bills start to pile up. Now that I know he was suffering from internal issues I understand things more and wish that i knew then what was causing him to do them- the sleeping and the breathlessness and the fatigue overall. I asked him to get checked by an MD- but mid as well have asked for him to go to the moon.
I still cannot write of all the thoughts I have - of all the parts of him I miss of all the memories that come to me on the bus and when I drive. Or how 11 and 13 are so young not to have their dad.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Westward bound
Ok I'm going away. This should be yay time and I'm really stressed but I thing it will work out ok. We don't have a lot of expendable income and I really should be careful with what I spend on this but I think it will go well!!!
We plan to go to a variety of places... Edmonton stay with brother = free food ! Yay!
Ideas:
Fort Edmonton
19th-century
replicas of streets from 1885 (the frontier era),
1905 (the year Edmonton became Alberta's capital).
----------------------------------------
The Corn Maze
Though the correct pathways can be walked in under 30 minutes, most directionally-challenged visitors - adults and children alike - will require about one hour to travel through the maze of more than 5 km of twists and turns and 85 decision points. sound good?
Travel to Calgary visits friends- then on to Lake Louise!
There we can do the Ink Pots
The trail starts in Johnston canyon where you can see about seven water falls.
After viewing the falls one has the choice to turn back or go to on to see
the ink pots.
Next
Go to Columbia Ice fields at noon have lunch there on the ice!! The Columbia Ice fields Parkway parallels the continental divide which marks the watershed point of where all water flows East or West.
COOL!
Did you know...?
At 1,384 m (4,540 ft) above sea level, Banff is "Canada's Highest Town".The highest point along the Icefields Parkway is Bow Summit at 2,069 metres (6,787 feet) above sea level, while the elevation at the Village of Lake Louise is 1,534 metres (5,033 feet above sea level).
next... Driving to Yoho National Park BC
after that...Drumheller!
What is now Drumheller once lay on the Coastal Lowlands by a vast Inland Sea. The environment was ideal for the dinosaurs that roamed the area. Great sheets of ice that crept down from the north retreated little more than 10,000 years ago carving deep trenches into the prairie landscape. Erosion has since sculpted the hillsides, uncovering the bones of dinosaurs and shaping the dramatic and mysterious badlands. Early explorers noted the coal and bones in the valley – and prosperity as the first mine opened in 1911. The world class Royal Tyrrell Museum is located here and town services a large agricultural and ranch area.
The Hoodoos site is located 16 km south of Drumheller on Hoodoo Trail (Highway 10). Hoodoos make a great stop on the way to the Atlas Coal Mine National Historic Site in East Coulee as part of the Drumheller Self-Guided Tour.
We'll try to do this !
We plan to go to a variety of places... Edmonton stay with brother = free food ! Yay!
Ideas:
Fort Edmonton
19th-century
replicas of streets from 1885 (the frontier era),
1905 (the year Edmonton became Alberta's capital).
----------------------------------------
The Corn Maze
Though the correct pathways can be walked in under 30 minutes, most directionally-challenged visitors - adults and children alike - will require about one hour to travel through the maze of more than 5 km of twists and turns and 85 decision points. sound good?
Travel to Calgary visits friends- then on to Lake Louise!
There we can do the Ink Pots
The trail starts in Johnston canyon where you can see about seven water falls.
After viewing the falls one has the choice to turn back or go to on to see
the ink pots.
Next
Go to Columbia Ice fields at noon have lunch there on the ice!! The Columbia Ice fields Parkway parallels the continental divide which marks the watershed point of where all water flows East or West.
COOL!
Did you know...?
At 1,384 m (4,540 ft) above sea level, Banff is "Canada's Highest Town".The highest point along the Icefields Parkway is Bow Summit at 2,069 metres (6,787 feet) above sea level, while the elevation at the Village of Lake Louise is 1,534 metres (5,033 feet above sea level).
next... Driving to Yoho National Park BC
after that...Drumheller!
What is now Drumheller once lay on the Coastal Lowlands by a vast Inland Sea. The environment was ideal for the dinosaurs that roamed the area. Great sheets of ice that crept down from the north retreated little more than 10,000 years ago carving deep trenches into the prairie landscape. Erosion has since sculpted the hillsides, uncovering the bones of dinosaurs and shaping the dramatic and mysterious badlands. Early explorers noted the coal and bones in the valley – and prosperity as the first mine opened in 1911. The world class Royal Tyrrell Museum is located here and town services a large agricultural and ranch area.
The Hoodoos site is located 16 km south of Drumheller on Hoodoo Trail (Highway 10). Hoodoos make a great stop on the way to the Atlas Coal Mine National Historic Site in East Coulee as part of the Drumheller Self-Guided Tour.
We'll try to do this !
work again
I'm not enjoying my job. I think that can be sensed in the first entry I ever made. I have to say this system to test and test and test somemore for a job really isn't a lot of fun. People say how easy it is in the Public Service but I can tell you that any job is a job! Lately I want to change mine and any attempt I've made to change jobs I has met with the dreaded testing people. I'm sick of tests! Since last year I've tested about 20 times. Some are 3 + hours long others not even an hour, I've done tests at home and sent them back, I've done tests in rooms full of people and I've done testing in the smallest of rooms. I've been called for an interview to only find out that there was a testing component. I'm just plain sick of testing!!!!
Today I interviewed and I didn't feel great about it. I hope I gave enought to mark high. There are 4 people competing for it. I REALLY hope I get the job. Just in case I am going to contact my references and cross my fingers! Maybe I should't contact them?? Would that be bad luck???
Argue!
Today I interviewed and I didn't feel great about it. I hope I gave enought to mark high. There are 4 people competing for it. I REALLY hope I get the job. Just in case I am going to contact my references and cross my fingers! Maybe I should't contact them?? Would that be bad luck???
Argue!
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