I got a freaking ticket the other day and although it's not the worst in terms of amount- just 40.00 I still felt unable to resist the tears that came with the waste of money and possible higher insurance rates.
I don't know what caused such a serious response but I really felt a wave of sadness at being in trouble! I was sitting there and warm tears spilled down my cheeks as I waited for the officer to return ticket in hand. He must have sensed something for he was in a rush to get out of my window and looked uncomfortable. I know I should not be mad- I did speed of that fact there is no denial and the thoughts came rolling through my head and I felt guilty of them as they entered...tell him you were widowed and have two kids.....Then common sense prevailed and I said nothing- why would that be relevant? Why would that even save me? I did the speeding and that was that.
I feel sad lately. Sad and a bit lonely - I am seriously hurting still from the loss of my husband and seeing the kids go through events without their dad.
Some days I sit on the couch and the cats wander in and the dog is never far and I feel comforted by the way they love me....but I still miss him so much! it's nice to have the little hearts nearby but I really miss him so much and I don't know where I will find something that will replace that!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
party went well & sports are taking over-
I leave her at 15 yrs old to make a breakfast- I doubt she will be good to do it- she's used to being served. I feel that I have done so much lately that she doesn't bother any more.
So tensions were still high last night and despite everyone making it to the canal for a skate and out to the restaurant for Thai food and home home cake and presents I am still a bit mad about how this all came about and was stuffed down my throat - The soccer stuff is heating up and the team has made all kinds of comments and decisions that left a lot of people mad and uncertain. I don't want to accept a spot and then leave but I feel very strong about this club's mistakes and don't want to be a part of it. The try outs for the other L3 club that will have the players from our old team on it sounds much better to me. problem is they don't make the team official until after we have to say what we are doing with the club she made already. I don't know what kind of show we will get. She may make it - she may not! Do we take the chance?
So tensions were still high last night and despite everyone making it to the canal for a skate and out to the restaurant for Thai food and home home cake and presents I am still a bit mad about how this all came about and was stuffed down my throat - The soccer stuff is heating up and the team has made all kinds of comments and decisions that left a lot of people mad and uncertain. I don't want to accept a spot and then leave but I feel very strong about this club's mistakes and don't want to be a part of it. The try outs for the other L3 club that will have the players from our old team on it sounds much better to me. problem is they don't make the team official until after we have to say what we are doing with the club she made already. I don't know what kind of show we will get. She may make it - she may not! Do we take the chance?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Birthdays fiascos
Okay so a birthday was this weekend for my girl and I tried to make it fun- I woke her up at noon and brought her gifts - cool trendy make up- a new Sims 3 for her laptop and real silver rings and earings she liked earlier in the month when we were out. Trendy Volcome stuff- her fav Lindoor chocolates it was nice stuff. I waddled through knee deep clothes to do it. Hung out a bit then she gets around to talking about her plans in doing so she finally fills me in on the fact that despite the fact that I said NO to a during the week get together b/c it was not good for me- she goes ahead and whines to her friends that I am too busy and not going to have a party and then set about making one!
The shitty part is that I have never said this- only that doing it on Monday when I work all week is a bit much- Not only did she go ahead she also asked too many girls to do it and I don't have a van and can't fit them in my car. She also invited them all over night- Lastly that she does this and now has parents all coming together to get rides for this and I look like such a shmuck !!! I look like I said I can't have your party b/c I'm too busy! When really, what I said was :"let's wait and see what we can do on a better day or less hectic day"- Last week I went to a 3 hr meeting after work for her soccer Thursday and then spent hours on e-mails and on the phone and I am really tired of doing all this . Then I was going out on Friday to the only thing I do for me and have missed fr 2 weeks with kids sick or me sick from their germs sharing - I play a game of soccer get in late get to bed - then we all went out Saturday to see our friends one of whom is going through lung Cancer and the the husband had some other issues. The following day, Sunday I drive to another province ( 1 hr) to do a dinner for my girls BD. On the way there, I start to get really stressed by the conversation this BD plan for Monday is rolling out of control- before we left my son played games and disappeared all afternoon when I was trying to clean up for the overnight guests. The bathroom she uses was really disgusting and took 45 minutes to clean - minimum- I then cleaned the clothes in her room because she cannot handle it when I tell her to do it. Then I am running around trying to get stuff clean and she gets ready for dinner just before we leave I look in and there are clothes all over the floor again! My son appears and isn't ready yet! I almost threw up! I was so stressed trying to get stuff done and she hasn't done anything to help. The clean towels I gave her the day or two before- all were dirty and on her floor- I had asked her to put them away and the ones that were away were lying in under the vanity like scrunched up balls. I refolded them all and placed them back flat. again doing the job myself! We go to dinner and my son who was rude and nasty the whole days stats yipping at me and I'm warning him to stop and he just does it more. I stopped the car and said fine we aren't going to go then she starts freaking out. I turn the car around and go back towards her grandparent's house and we drive in silence. When I have calmed I say that this whole plan is going to have to be resolved tonight for the following day and the rest of the cleaning needs to be helped with. Everyone agrees to help- we go we eat we visit and we leave- on the way home we make the plan for the Monday-
She has a ride to the downtown area ( half an hour away from out house non rush hour almost 45 minutes in busier periods). Plans to skate on the Canal and then wants to do dinner at a resto - I'm trying to figure out what to do to get them from skating back to my office then changed then dinner- it's a bit much and she has gone ahead and done this saying her friends have worked this all out so I don't have to worry- but the problem is it's a mess! They don't know how they are getting from the rink to the office I work in, to change and then to a restaurant and then how 6 kids are going to fit into 3 seats! I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am really fed up-
Now we argued all night because instead of getting home and helping me get the house ready- she got on the phone and started talking to soccer people for 2 and a half hours. So she now throws this plan at me and I have a mess to figure out and now dinner to cover taxis to pay for - Argue! All this and I had to clean up the house that looked like a bloody mess myself! I am just fuming mad fed up and I don't even want to do to this dinner now!
The shitty part is that I have never said this- only that doing it on Monday when I work all week is a bit much- Not only did she go ahead she also asked too many girls to do it and I don't have a van and can't fit them in my car. She also invited them all over night- Lastly that she does this and now has parents all coming together to get rides for this and I look like such a shmuck !!! I look like I said I can't have your party b/c I'm too busy! When really, what I said was :"let's wait and see what we can do on a better day or less hectic day"- Last week I went to a 3 hr meeting after work for her soccer Thursday and then spent hours on e-mails and on the phone and I am really tired of doing all this . Then I was going out on Friday to the only thing I do for me and have missed fr 2 weeks with kids sick or me sick from their germs sharing - I play a game of soccer get in late get to bed - then we all went out Saturday to see our friends one of whom is going through lung Cancer and the the husband had some other issues. The following day, Sunday I drive to another province ( 1 hr) to do a dinner for my girls BD. On the way there, I start to get really stressed by the conversation this BD plan for Monday is rolling out of control- before we left my son played games and disappeared all afternoon when I was trying to clean up for the overnight guests. The bathroom she uses was really disgusting and took 45 minutes to clean - minimum- I then cleaned the clothes in her room because she cannot handle it when I tell her to do it. Then I am running around trying to get stuff clean and she gets ready for dinner just before we leave I look in and there are clothes all over the floor again! My son appears and isn't ready yet! I almost threw up! I was so stressed trying to get stuff done and she hasn't done anything to help. The clean towels I gave her the day or two before- all were dirty and on her floor- I had asked her to put them away and the ones that were away were lying in under the vanity like scrunched up balls. I refolded them all and placed them back flat. again doing the job myself! We go to dinner and my son who was rude and nasty the whole days stats yipping at me and I'm warning him to stop and he just does it more. I stopped the car and said fine we aren't going to go then she starts freaking out. I turn the car around and go back towards her grandparent's house and we drive in silence. When I have calmed I say that this whole plan is going to have to be resolved tonight for the following day and the rest of the cleaning needs to be helped with. Everyone agrees to help- we go we eat we visit and we leave- on the way home we make the plan for the Monday-
She has a ride to the downtown area ( half an hour away from out house non rush hour almost 45 minutes in busier periods). Plans to skate on the Canal and then wants to do dinner at a resto - I'm trying to figure out what to do to get them from skating back to my office then changed then dinner- it's a bit much and she has gone ahead and done this saying her friends have worked this all out so I don't have to worry- but the problem is it's a mess! They don't know how they are getting from the rink to the office I work in, to change and then to a restaurant and then how 6 kids are going to fit into 3 seats! I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am really fed up-
Now we argued all night because instead of getting home and helping me get the house ready- she got on the phone and started talking to soccer people for 2 and a half hours. So she now throws this plan at me and I have a mess to figure out and now dinner to cover taxis to pay for - Argue! All this and I had to clean up the house that looked like a bloody mess myself! I am just fuming mad fed up and I don't even want to do to this dinner now!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
feeling small
I watched the last lecture of Randy Pausch and feel like such a failure after hearing his positive outgoing and goodly ways. He just talks about the basics and doing the right thing.
I feel sad because I can't even think of any childhood dreams. I can't remember ever hoping to be something or do something- I mean most of mine were about having the right shoes and great clothes and lately I am so fat that that's not even possible. I don't fit into the clothes I would like to have.
I kinda think that when I was in University I dreamed of seeing the art that I studied...and I did that. I surprise my own self by the fact that I felt teary in the Louvre at one point.
But other than that I really just wished that Icould travel and I am doing that these days. I feel sad and lonely and mad at myself like....that I was feeling sorry for myself some days and like this morning I saw a driver and he was driving a car like the one my husband first had when I met him. Bob Dylan's song lay lady lay played the line says come lay accross my brass bed and I remember coming home with him when we were first together and we would go to sleep in the brass bed. I still have that bed - its the bed he died in. I miss laying in that bed with him. I miss him.
And the tears come. driving alone and it's the only time I can cry.
Then at work I take a break and I hear this man speak, that has this unbelievable talent and here he is talking about his own demise- months away and I'm minutes before just feeling pity and sorrow for myself and I can't help thinking how is his wife doing now that he's gone? Hard to replace my guy who was good and kind in his own way and yet he was nasty and mean at the end too and here this woman looses a man of Legacy and I can't imagine where she would go from there.
it's hard enough thinking of taking his things down and removing his clothes but the loosing of him is somehting I don't think I'll ever be over. Its not like I can even know what he was thinking at the end.... that's the hard part. Yet she looses and man so publically and all I can say is which is worst? Knowing it will end and talking about it all the time? Or not knowing?
I feel sad because I can't even think of any childhood dreams. I can't remember ever hoping to be something or do something- I mean most of mine were about having the right shoes and great clothes and lately I am so fat that that's not even possible. I don't fit into the clothes I would like to have.
I kinda think that when I was in University I dreamed of seeing the art that I studied...and I did that. I surprise my own self by the fact that I felt teary in the Louvre at one point.
But other than that I really just wished that Icould travel and I am doing that these days. I feel sad and lonely and mad at myself like....that I was feeling sorry for myself some days and like this morning I saw a driver and he was driving a car like the one my husband first had when I met him. Bob Dylan's song lay lady lay played the line says come lay accross my brass bed and I remember coming home with him when we were first together and we would go to sleep in the brass bed. I still have that bed - its the bed he died in. I miss laying in that bed with him. I miss him.
And the tears come. driving alone and it's the only time I can cry.
Then at work I take a break and I hear this man speak, that has this unbelievable talent and here he is talking about his own demise- months away and I'm minutes before just feeling pity and sorrow for myself and I can't help thinking how is his wife doing now that he's gone? Hard to replace my guy who was good and kind in his own way and yet he was nasty and mean at the end too and here this woman looses a man of Legacy and I can't imagine where she would go from there.
it's hard enough thinking of taking his things down and removing his clothes but the loosing of him is somehting I don't think I'll ever be over. Its not like I can even know what he was thinking at the end.... that's the hard part. Yet she looses and man so publically and all I can say is which is worst? Knowing it will end and talking about it all the time? Or not knowing?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sore stomach blues
Was sick is sick will I be sick?
These are the questions on my mind as I sit in my office cubicle and squirm in pain as each hour or so the pain in my stomach gurgles and stabs me from the inside out. A lightning rod of flash pain erupts every so often and I wince when they hit.
Coworker takes note and I say I have some weird cramps- little discussion on that then I go to the bathroom- my stomach gives way and I have a terrible cramp and then like a tap I loose the pain on the toilet. This goes on for a better part of the day. trips to the bathroom both hated and loved- as on the way back the pain subsides...Do I go home?- not like I cannot work through it right? so I stay. Head is aching and hands are freezing- I reach for the soft shawl I keep here and it warms me and I wrap myself in it- I enjoy the chill on my head as I lay my frozen hand there a moment- It seems to calm my screaming head.
I wish as I do daily that my husband was here and that I had insured the Mortgage and that I would have been able to take off more time.....I find that I am unhappy here and worst than being unhappy in your workplace is being in pain and feeling rotten and unhappy there- It's not the workers it's working in general. I wish My husband had taken care of me to the point that I would never want and never have to be at a workplace.
These are the questions on my mind as I sit in my office cubicle and squirm in pain as each hour or so the pain in my stomach gurgles and stabs me from the inside out. A lightning rod of flash pain erupts every so often and I wince when they hit.
Coworker takes note and I say I have some weird cramps- little discussion on that then I go to the bathroom- my stomach gives way and I have a terrible cramp and then like a tap I loose the pain on the toilet. This goes on for a better part of the day. trips to the bathroom both hated and loved- as on the way back the pain subsides...Do I go home?- not like I cannot work through it right? so I stay. Head is aching and hands are freezing- I reach for the soft shawl I keep here and it warms me and I wrap myself in it- I enjoy the chill on my head as I lay my frozen hand there a moment- It seems to calm my screaming head.
I wish as I do daily that my husband was here and that I had insured the Mortgage and that I would have been able to take off more time.....I find that I am unhappy here and worst than being unhappy in your workplace is being in pain and feeling rotten and unhappy there- It's not the workers it's working in general. I wish My husband had taken care of me to the point that I would never want and never have to be at a workplace.
Monday, January 17, 2011
visitors taking pics
I had an out of towner come by and it was interesting weekend having someone around- I may be getting set in my ways or he may be set in his but I think we were happy to retreat to our own cities by the end! Had some laughs and some time to just let him know what my life is like- anyway here are the pics he took of my fruit basket!
flu bug -
All got the stomach flu and I was out a few days- I did have time to get a few things done though- even the few hours extra that i was home were enough to clean a few things and cook a few things- I made a few soups and got caught up on some odd jobs- I wish I was a stay at home mom- even with the kids in school I would like to able to cook and clean and have a restful relaxing place to live in - I can feel the pressures of when we need to do things and we are busy with sports and work- If I had the same insurance amount on my husband as I do on myself I could probably have stayed home a few years until things got settled- I really wish we had Mortgage insurance and I would have had that paid out and I could really have afforded to take the time off-
What I would love to do right now if move somewhere hot and interesting- and do a job that is just as boring as mine but with that bonus of location! The winter is killing me with the cold and the dark. I really am starting to feel old!
What I would love to do right now if move somewhere hot and interesting- and do a job that is just as boring as mine but with that bonus of location! The winter is killing me with the cold and the dark. I really am starting to feel old!
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