feeling small

I watched the last lecture of Randy Pausch and feel like such a failure after hearing his positive outgoing and goodly ways. He just talks about the basics and doing the right thing.

I feel sad because I can't even think of any childhood dreams. I can't remember ever hoping to be something or do something- I mean most of mine were about having the right shoes and great clothes and lately I am so fat that that's not even possible. I don't fit into the clothes I would like to have.

I kinda think that when I was in University I dreamed of seeing the art that I studied...and I did that. I surprise my own self by the fact that I felt teary in the Louvre at one point.

But other than that I really just wished that Icould travel and I am doing that these days. I feel sad and lonely and mad at myself like....that I was feeling sorry for myself some days and like this morning I saw a driver and he was driving a car like the one my husband first had when I met him. Bob Dylan's song lay lady lay played the line says come lay accross my brass bed and I remember coming home with him when we were first together and we would go to sleep in the brass bed. I still have that bed - its the bed he died in. I miss laying in that bed with him. I miss him.

And the tears come. driving alone and it's the only time I can cry.

Then at work I take a break and I hear this man speak, that has this unbelievable talent and here he is talking about his own demise- months away and I'm minutes before just feeling pity and sorrow for myself and I can't help thinking how is his wife doing now that he's gone? Hard to replace my guy who was good and kind in his own way and yet he was nasty and mean at the end too and here this woman looses a man of Legacy and I can't imagine where she would go from there.

it's hard enough thinking of taking his things down and removing his clothes but the loosing of him is somehting I don't think I'll ever be over. Its not like I can even know what he was thinking at the end.... that's the hard part. Yet she looses and man so publically and all I can say is which is worst? Knowing it will end and talking about it all the time? Or not knowing?