Tag me out of the ring please!!

I had a horrible night that ended with a glass of wine too many.....I can't seem to get my teenagers to 'get it' when I say to do something.
So when you take out the garbage put a bag in the can and then the smaller kitchen bag. Same for any garbage at all it should be in the can but in a bag as well!!! After 6 months of this it's time for Tibetan monks to record this in their chants so I can play it over and over again to them. "Use a garbage baaaaaaaaaag. "Can't you hear it now?

Don't like being made fun of and called names and I feel like giving up. I actually said out loud to my kids that I wish my husband was here and I was gone. That's how bad it was last night. It's so much to just keep up the usual needs of running a home by yourself and now I am finding that the computer is not working and the gifts are not finished and there is still so much to do! My mom invited herself and all the family over for Christmas day and I now need to host that event. My parents said that they will bring the already stuffed turkey and peeled potatoes which is easier but then I still have a whole house to clean. And I am having terrible problems with the kids. No one picks up anything they use or basically picks up after themselves.

Last weekend we had R's hockey team for a pot luck. I asked her all week to do things each day. Nothing was ever done. She missed going out on Friday trying to get the basement cleaned and the tree up. Then she had her practice and I went to the basement that she told me was done. It turns out that the tree was not finished ( a 3 foot tree with 2 strings of lights and some balls. ) It was a mess, the table had food drips and plates, the floor had not been vacuumed and there were dirty socks and stuff that was supposed to be put away still out. It took an hour to get it done. Another 3 hours to do the rest of the house. She came home and found almost it all done. She got to go to a friend's house and snow boarding the next day. I cleaned up and re vacuumed and washed all the dishes.

When she returned I had a hot dinner ready she then had an hour to relax then had hockey. I think it's pretty reasonable to ask someone to clean up the kitchen after their breakfast the next day....I wish I could understand the mind of a teen, cause apparently that was not the case!

The one thing I miss more than just having someone to talk to is someone to tag me when I run out of follow through energy. I know the key to getting them to listen is consistancy and yet all I have left is tears some days. She was more than a little cruel last night in the things she said and I am having a really hard time with the stuff that was said.

Just after I wrote most of this she appologised for what she said. I think I am happier but frankly I don't know what to feel.

the big 25...

Well Christmas is around the corner and I found a nice gift for my parents and sent them to a private box at the Sens game- their own bathroom within the suite and being on the first floor is good for my dad who has bad knees. I think I did a good job getting them something nice- it's hard to do that for them- since they virtually no passtimes and only travel for fun. It even came with a parking pass.

Now I just need to get the wrapping paper and last couple of gifts and I need a few things for the dinners I will serve.... I will see my first Christmas alone in 15 years. It's not been easy to get in the spirit. I gave R her gift of a new snow coat since she was snoboarding all day and then felt I should give one to A too. I'm trying to decide if that means I need to get someting else or not...

old dog new tricks!

Two perfect strangers and yet they can get along? Not even the same species and certainly set in their ways- dog is 11 cat is 6 ! And if it has to be seen to be believe than here is the proof that you can teach old dogs....to be friends with a cat. Our buddy Mr T arrived and has made himself at home and the resident Mr M seems to have no issues!

Is it a PMS moment or...

I engaged in convo with a coworker a few times and I feel like I could make ice cubes off her aura. Today I said something about my family then I asked her about her family name just a passing question and she said where her husband family was from sort of but then said nothing of herself. It was one of those moments where you give the chance for someone to reciprocate and that doesn't happen.

I have a lot of coworkers that I chat with when I see them and this one just always seems to not engage.

The problem is that she ( ice queen) now works right beside me and the lady next to her is also quite cold (Ice Princess cold). So much so that a colleague was offended by her general "ignore you" demeanor and complained to me. I guess she did that because IP works with me. My other problem is that there is a guy I also work with and the thing is when ever I speak to him he either dismisses me or gets aggressive. He got a hair cut and I said " It looks good did you deliberately want to go so short? " as it was a drastic change and he got defensive about the cut..."does it look like an accident?" "No" I reply but "it's just a lot shorter...."He again jumps in "Do you think I would let them do something I didn't ask for?" No" I reply, now getting a bit angry "but you wouldn't be the first to say take a bit off and they swipe the buzzer and now it's too late and it's way shorter than you asked for!" Why would someone act like this then a moment later chat happily with another colleague about something just as fluffy.

Does this seem to be the kind of place you want to hang out in? Two cold hearted bitchy women and an aggressive guy?

There is one guy who is so nice and easy to speak with and the hair guy talks to him. He also talks to the ice princess and she to him... it seems that I am always the one cut out of the equation. It doesn't help that they all do a specific function and I do not I do something different for the team. I say Team because we are one department and rather isolated and I am not sure I made the right decisions coming here now....

I just really don't know what to do...I am starting to hate coming to work. I think I will start applying for other jobs and a try to relocate but with the losses and the extra things to deal with a new job is going to make things even more tough.....

My last 2 divisions were a lot of fun and I enjoyed the people around me, here I feel like I am the odd man out. Last night I was up until 1 am and didn't want to come in today...I had to pep talk my way in and even then I came in later than usual and I now have to stay later.

I don't have a lot of social stuff....people who want to see us have to fit it in between what is a pretty full calendar. I was thinking the other day that just to write an email asking us " how are you?" shouldn't be hard. I am saddened by the people who cry at the funeral and walk out the door only to forget you a moment later, and not even feel badly about it.

I am looking forward to getting together with my friends this weekend and I have another person who invited me next week to a pot luck and I kinda feel like going but it's hard to get past the fact that in all the time after I lost my husband she never came by. I'm on her way home too.

It's hard because I really want to be happy but it bothers me that people can not seem to feel bad about the efforts they should have made, non existent efforts amount to making me feel like I should rethink my friends. Part of me thinks I should move back to my home town even if that means feeling a little failed in doing so. I don't have a best friend that calls and the ones that I though were ....well.... I haven't seen them since the funeral ! One spoke to me and I never heard back from her the other "freind" came to the funeral and called once and then that was it. I feel really alone these days.

But I am looking forward to a really nice group- the girls that make me feel part of something and I'll be seeing them this weekend. We aren't the kind to call and gab but we all get along and see each other every week to play soccer.

honestly it's that sort of thing that keeps me happy. I have to focus on those!

soccer cake

I am no the cake boss but I was proud of the cake the girls made at our house for the coache's bd..... note the team colors on jube jube players....

Europe- I could live there....

I forgot to mention that we went to Paris last month. You know having my parents over this past weekend and thinking the whole time during the visit, I could move anywhere maybe I'll go live in Europe. Sad that it was like that. My parents' attitude is really bad- they always complain about everything and when you complain back they tell me I'm negative. You know when someone bothers you at work or your in- laws say something inappropriate most people have a spouse to vent to. Now with no one but my kids to talk with it's been hard and since my parents seem to vent to me I thought it was a 2 way street. Now I know it's a one way. more quickly I am moving away from talking with them about anything. One thing I despise is people telling others what you tell them in frustration- my mom did this - I was frustrated with the kids not helping and just vented a bit on the way I have so much to do and they were not helping. It was a bad week that way- so who does my mom tell this to? An old high school friend that well is such a self centered fake person I cut her out completely from our life just after I met my husband 15 years ago. At the time she said nasty things to him ( because he's older)when I was out of the room. Then she said I had trapped myself a man because we decided to have a child before we got married. She's not a nice person - not even a friend couldn't my mom just say we are doing fine that we went to Paris and had a great time?

The sad thing is that people probably thought that ( trapping) a lot but he and I had talked about it (having kids) way before it happened and were prepared that it might. I know he was so excitted when it did... We were not surprised because we had decided that would be OK and let go of the situation to let things happen. I was in my mid 20's working full time and I was responsable and he had just gotten a divorce and was mid 30's and worried he'd be too old if we courted for years and then had kids. He was a little wedding shy having just signed D papers and frankly I said I know it might not work out but I never felt the way I felt about him with anyone else and frankly before him I never wanted or cared if I did get married and I never pined for babies.....

Anyway I digress.... another thing I really despise is if you tell someone something and they throw it back in your face. My mom did that too recently. You go through a lot when you loose your spouse really unexpectedly the way I did and I went through all the grief process including anger. I'm probably not completely done but when I was in an angry part of my journey I complained about stupid things people did and shortly thereafter my mother decided to tear me down for complaining I thought she could see it for what it was - part of an emotional process, she made me feel bad about myself for having let myself be who I needed to be with my own parents for that little while. I was never so upset until this weekend when she did it again.

The one thing about being left alone is that everyone tells you what to do. I keep hearing from brother in laws how the house is too big and I shouldn't keep it. Well that's really inappropriate, and I wish people would just stop. I should not defend my choices anymore now than when I made them with a husband. It blows my mind that people think they have a right to tell you how to live just because I am a single woman now.

I guess that bother's me more now because I would like to think that I am capable and frankly I was doing a lot before he died anyway! Adding a few more jobs will not be the end of me. I traveled to Europe and back by myself since he died- I cut the grass all summer, got a a load of wood for winter and stacked it, cleaned the house each week, I make the meals and even got the beets and carrots out of the garden and made homemade soup with my 11yr old son this weekend. I try to make different stuff so it's not the same old food each week. My laundry is always done and my bathrooms are cleaned every week some times we vacuum a couple of times during the week! I fixed the wall where the railing came out I replaced a door handle and I replaced a broken dishwasher and fridge! I will get a bissell and clean the carpets and I will paint as I do every year so the walls look decent. I cleaned all the gardens and planted bulbs and had autome decorations in the fall and now have switched to wreaths- We hung the christmas lights and I replaced the dead bulbs and found the timers.

I think we are doing ok....I just wish I could find a person to complain to now and again and then I would feel better when I need to.

New family cat

I have a new cat and he sems happy enough but twice I have found he peed on my couches and now I wonder what else might he might have hit and it worries me.

He's a nice cat and very affectionate on his terms and starting to warm to the existing dog.

He even hopped up to the couch and slept beside the dog last week. I hope he settles in and I also hope that he does not pee on anything else!

Time to live again

We had our Halloween party without him....they walked the woods and danced like he was there with us....

I'm back from a long hiatus of more than a year. This past year was a really hard one. My last trip to Western Canada was really hard on us all when I realised how much my husband was struggling with things. He was really irrational and moody and I was very unhappy about the time in close quarters because it meant I could observe things I kinda wished I hadn't. He wasn't really as healthy as I would have liked and he was less motivated. Gone was the guy I knew 10 years before that would get up and read the paper and do things before 9 am! Now he slept a lot more and did hiking and other things but unlike before he slowed his pace down quite a bit. Age - yes it does do this but really I saw more and thought that a year without work was taking a lot out of him. When I would leave for work I had no idea if he was up and at things but it seemed he was going back to bed. 6 months later I would find him back in bed for the last time and my life never will be the same again.

There are things that are nice- I was able to pay off some of our bills that were getting pretty high. I was able to get a cat. I only see what I loved in him now- funny how that is. I would trade all these and the other things that I find less stressful in a millisecond to have him back. We had been fighting more than we should have before he died and that's pretty normal when one person is working and the other can't get a job and the bills start to pile up. Now that I know he was suffering from internal issues I understand things more and wish that i knew then what was causing him to do them- the sleeping and the breathlessness and the fatigue overall. I asked him to get checked by an MD- but mid as well have asked for him to go to the moon.

I still cannot write of all the thoughts I have - of all the parts of him I miss of all the memories that come to me on the bus and when I drive. Or how 11 and 13 are so young not to have their dad.