wrapping !

I have got to find the energy to wrap the presents- go through and make sure I have everything and get it placed under the tree- that's all I have to say on wraping!

Don't get me started on cookies!

I feel so sad when I least expect it- people caringly ask with the most sincere sad eyes I've ever seen how we are doing and I always laugh nervously and I never know what will come out after that. I read some one's blog about how under control she is after learning to block the emotions and only let them out at certain times. I see the kid's eyes turn quickly towards me- if my voice catches I see worry crosses their faces when they see tears in my eyes, or me looking sad.

I hate when I loose it.

I was reading something sad and I felt the tears and I closed it only to open it in a while and force myself to keep going and control the tears. I have done this many times since he died. I kinda think it's numbing practice so I don't tear up when asked this simple question. No one really wants to know- Even my parents act like the world is just continuing as if it never changed. When I get into this or that being sad or hard, they get uncomfortable and agitated and seem to wish I would not talk.

No one really wants to know how many tears I've cried since that day or the nasty things said in the house in anger and grief. It's just too much. Even for me to write it it's too much- Sometimes I am a toboggan sliding down a hill and I feel i just can't stop and I wake up nervous and throw up nothing but bile but the nerves just don't go away. Sometimes I catch the slope with my feet and I feel it slow and sometimes even stop- it's heart breaking- then cause you feel like maybe I care less now- and guilt creeps in- either one sadness lonelyness guilt or anger are shitty ones to feel but we are all feeling them in my house.

When will I stop lamenting on what the kids will miss? When will life turn happy and take me to another mans arms that will hold the same strength and meaning that the lst ones did? I miss him even though I am angry at him too. It's very confusing....

One more for today

I would like to say that I doubt anyone reads this- I haven't shared it with anyone and every time I think about it I kinda cringe and decide not to. It's really strange that I can write my thoughts to cyber space and never tell my family. As I said before I let the man I loved be my best friend for 15 years and now I don't have one anymore. He's dead and I struggle.

Wow went in a different direction there than I intended.

Ok I am proud of myself. I am not one for following a pattern- no coffee no tea no cigarettes and yes sometimes I drink but not every night and never the same thing over and over-
and so the fact that I have continued to blog to no one but myself and whatever random person reads it- which I doubt anyone does. I am proud that I have kept it up. and more than ever that I have done more than one a month worth thus more than 12 and even more than 2 per month worth- ( more than 24) and I want to try to get a few more in the next weeks before this blog passes onto the 4th calendar year of it's life.

I know my spelling sucks I learned in French first! C'est la vie comme on dirais en francais!

I noticed a pattern

If I find a fault with what my mother says to me things such as "you didn't send flowers to grama " or whatever then I say "Hey that's not fair I was still in shock having lost my husband a few weeks before! " she says "Oh don't be so sensitive-"
If I find a fault with an action she has done such as when she invites everyone to my house never discusses this with me and even picks a time for them to come and then sends it to me along with all the others she invitted by e-mail. So I say "Hey don't you think you should talk with me first before you hit the send button?" she says "Why do you sweat the details? It's not set in stone- "
If I get mad and say anything about people in an attempt to vent just to feel better- especially after listening to her do it all day then she says to me - "all you do is complain. You are always so negative"

So I have to be a plastic daughter and listen to their stories and they don't much worry about me or mine.

It's hard feeling so insignificant.

#$%^& to do list

Get off my back I say not to a monkey but a to do list;

get tree- not just any tree but a tree from a farm I must cut it myself so says my son-
get the tree up and get it decorated probably mostly while telling them stop texting!
get baking! I have not made a single thing- I have to at least make roll cookies it's tradition using the old Tupperware roll cookie cutters - I have these exact ones and I even found a second set to pass some along to my kids when they have families so they will each have a set!
get the decos that are still laying on the floor up to the places they belong- it's mainly the garland for the railing
get the rest of the furniture put together and pick out paint and pick out fabric for curtains and get the room painted!
wash the floor clean the house joy oh joy!

make some food have a party- pass out.

facebook as a good thing...

Today I looked at the FB pages of a few friends and I was saddened to see the guy friend I had at this age is with some young girl- who worked in makeup no less... I mean really? She even has herself in a fur coat off her bare shoulders as her profile pic, bare as in she looks naked. Sad really- I always thought the kind of men to look a the younger trophy girl were old men....not my friends. Makes me feel old and past my expiration date. Another friend looks reat in her bikini pics- this made me feel even worst since it's not all women my age it's just the ones like me who are was fatter and less youthful looking I guess.

Well as a good thing the FB cartoon posting reminded me of G- Force and that made me smile- I even watched an old clip of the show on you tube- It was fun and it felt familiar and good.

tired of being a sw/m

The days of the season approach almost as though they are all hurry themselves to the day that all must be done- I am tired- too tired to fight with the garland that lies in the hall for almost 2 weeks by the stairs they should be on by now- Tired of not having my husband to help think of clever and fun things and to haul the tree once we cut it and help it into the car or on it if it's that big.
I miss the time I had to get a gas tank filled and not worry about the cost or have no money issues or being really late because I stopped to do it. I find lately that I fell behind on the estimated things and now I am trying to catch up. I may sell an old painting come spring to bring me out of the red- I might just keep trying to drop money in right place and not buy stuff-

Not buy stuff? Ya right- well- as I think about the birthdays coming in January and the party season with wine and food to buy and make and I think- I really miss just having him here to talk to and have someone share the memories with from a parent's perspective.

I hate being a single woman with kids- a single mom/ a widowed mom. I wish I could gather the courage to date and then again I don't want to forget him and replace him. I want it all- I want him back and and things to be normal and for us all not to hurt anymore. We are all feeling an emptiness from him being gone- I am heartbroken and tired and I want to scream for my mom or brothers to offer to help. Instead my mom asks for everyone to come to our house again.

I really don't want to do it this year- They leave little choice with the bitter fights between other siblings and the fact that one cannot go to another's because of it.

I want to hug him and lay my head on his shoulder and smell his smell of men's products and his sweat and the fabric cleaner I use when I wash the clothes.
Oh well....that's not going to happen now is it?