The days of the season approach almost as though they are all hurry themselves to the day that all must be done- I am tired- too tired to fight with the garland that lies in the hall for almost 2 weeks by the stairs they should be on by now- Tired of not having my husband to help think of clever and fun things and to haul the tree once we cut it and help it into the car or on it if it's that big.
I miss the time I had to get a gas tank filled and not worry about the cost or have no money issues or being really late because I stopped to do it. I find lately that I fell behind on the estimated things and now I am trying to catch up. I may sell an old painting come spring to bring me out of the red- I might just keep trying to drop money in right place and not buy stuff-
Not buy stuff? Ya right- well- as I think about the birthdays coming in January and the party season with wine and food to buy and make and I think- I really miss just having him here to talk to and have someone share the memories with from a parent's perspective.
I hate being a single woman with kids- a single mom/ a widowed mom. I wish I could gather the courage to date and then again I don't want to forget him and replace him. I want it all- I want him back and and things to be normal and for us all not to hurt anymore. We are all feeling an emptiness from him being gone- I am heartbroken and tired and I want to scream for my mom or brothers to offer to help. Instead my mom asks for everyone to come to our house again.
I really don't want to do it this year- They leave little choice with the bitter fights between other siblings and the fact that one cannot go to another's because of it.
I want to hug him and lay my head on his shoulder and smell his smell of men's products and his sweat and the fabric cleaner I use when I wash the clothes.
Oh well....that's not going to happen now is it?
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