I feel so sad when I least expect it- people caringly ask with the most sincere sad eyes I've ever seen how we are doing and I always laugh nervously and I never know what will come out after that. I read some one's blog about how under control she is after learning to block the emotions and only let them out at certain times. I see the kid's eyes turn quickly towards me- if my voice catches I see worry crosses their faces when they see tears in my eyes, or me looking sad.
I hate when I loose it.
I was reading something sad and I felt the tears and I closed it only to open it in a while and force myself to keep going and control the tears. I have done this many times since he died. I kinda think it's numbing practice so I don't tear up when asked this simple question. No one really wants to know- Even my parents act like the world is just continuing as if it never changed. When I get into this or that being sad or hard, they get uncomfortable and agitated and seem to wish I would not talk.
No one really wants to know how many tears I've cried since that day or the nasty things said in the house in anger and grief. It's just too much. Even for me to write it it's too much- Sometimes I am a toboggan sliding down a hill and I feel i just can't stop and I wake up nervous and throw up nothing but bile but the nerves just don't go away. Sometimes I catch the slope with my feet and I feel it slow and sometimes even stop- it's heart breaking- then cause you feel like maybe I care less now- and guilt creeps in- either one sadness lonelyness guilt or anger are shitty ones to feel but we are all feeling them in my house.
When will I stop lamenting on what the kids will miss? When will life turn happy and take me to another mans arms that will hold the same strength and meaning that the lst ones did? I miss him even though I am angry at him too. It's very confusing....
I hate when I loose it.
I was reading something sad and I felt the tears and I closed it only to open it in a while and force myself to keep going and control the tears. I have done this many times since he died. I kinda think it's numbing practice so I don't tear up when asked this simple question. No one really wants to know- Even my parents act like the world is just continuing as if it never changed. When I get into this or that being sad or hard, they get uncomfortable and agitated and seem to wish I would not talk.
No one really wants to know how many tears I've cried since that day or the nasty things said in the house in anger and grief. It's just too much. Even for me to write it it's too much- Sometimes I am a toboggan sliding down a hill and I feel i just can't stop and I wake up nervous and throw up nothing but bile but the nerves just don't go away. Sometimes I catch the slope with my feet and I feel it slow and sometimes even stop- it's heart breaking- then cause you feel like maybe I care less now- and guilt creeps in- either one sadness lonelyness guilt or anger are shitty ones to feel but we are all feeling them in my house.
When will I stop lamenting on what the kids will miss? When will life turn happy and take me to another mans arms that will hold the same strength and meaning that the lst ones did? I miss him even though I am angry at him too. It's very confusing....
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