It speaks to character

I over heard people say that don't hold the elevator button down when someone is running for it on purpose or that they fake pushing it or worse lie and hit the close button making it look like it's not working. Sad when they don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Sad again that when someone walks away another actually said they would look at their screen to see what they are doing. This is of course when they forget to lock their computer...note to self never forget to do that in my office.

Sad to say you don't really like people and seem to suck right up to certain people and are crass and rude to others and think nothing of it.

Well if you realise it or not you speak volumes about yourself on doing these things, you probably would cheat at a game or lie to get what you wanted. Sad.

you know when it's happening

Ever over hear a small question from one person to another in your office and get that loathsome feeling that it was directed at them but about you?

I am adopting a cat with CP- a special needs cat and I was talking about it at the office to my one of 2 colleagues that I actually feel a little ok to do that with. I then heard one other person say to another are you planning on becoming a crazy cat lady? She turned and looked at him like she was saying "shut up! " but said nothing. Then he said oh...."did I misread that?" Then she typed and he suddenly said "oh! my mistake......."
It was just enough cloak and daggeresque to make me think it was about me. In that e-mails correcting him or telling him to shut up or whatever were sent , the look and the statements themselves make me wonder....and it may not be about what I was talking about but the fact that I am getting my 3rd cat leads me to think it was.

Nothing like something like that to make you feel ashamed of your choices or at least like you are the brut of a joke of some kind.

first impressions

I have met with the sharp tongue of a person I always thought was a beast but now I know for certain.
I should have trusted my first instincts on that one. You know when someone treats everyone but you with kindness and shows you nothing but disdain and snarly quips?

I usually trust my first instincts and I don't know how I ever felt that this person was any less of a snake than usual.

I also found another first impression was once again reminded to me when I saw a snarly response to the rules being applied. Many options were offered to allow participation and none were tried then spiteful comments were later made. By both of them!

bugs be gone

Planted most of the remaining garden plants yesterday but the bugs are so bad I thought I might loose my mind! My son helped but it was not a pleasant task!
I planted the red annuals along the drive way and in the front gardens and then went to do the tomatoes and cucumbers, pumpkins, zucs and melons in the veggie garden. I hope this summer is a good crop. The carrots, beets, radishes, beans and peas seeds are all up. I planted the lettuces ( 5 kinds) celery, cauliflower and cabbage a few weeks ago and we are now eating the greens out of the garden along with the green onions. I look for the potatoes and and melons and all that to come along! I really love fresh garden stuff.

A horrible night followed by a quieter weekend. I fear that my girl is in need of help almost everyday for a while to teach herself to learn to calm the freak out periods. Life has been so cruel to our family and I feel so old and tired. It's really not what I had looked forward to so many years ago when I looked at my husband and saw his handsome smile and glint in his eye. I always thought to myself I hope we make it through with good health to the end....he didn't though and I miss him so much!

some good some bad some ugly

So we had a really bad night. I asked my girl to clean up some dog poop because they were supposed to walk the dog out to get him not to do this on the grass near the gardens and such where we walk. Safer that we didn't walk in it that way. It ended badly, she started to throw it in a bad place that I have told her many times before not to do....then she got lippy, then I said phone's going off, then she charged me I locked the door before she could get to me, and she hit the glass door with such force that she could easily have smashed it. She ran past me so I could be stopped from getting to my computer and this isn't the first time, she takes things and pushes me around so that I cannot turn her phone off. Its been really hard and I don't enjoy my life that much these days. She is angry and mean and I am growing weary with the fight.

Then on the weekend we went to the cottage and things got a bit better. We all laughed and actually had some fun and watched movies and relaxed.

Then back to home where I feel my son and I do more than ever most of the work. She then accuses me to hitting her on the issue with the dog clean up. Of course that ended in an argument. Again I am tired of this flight.

back to life and back to reality

Why do all my titles make me hear a song... writing today's I heard that 80's song.....

Back from Jamaica- started counselling for help with stuff at home. my girl had a class mate threaten to stab her with a 5.5 inch knife and my son is still struggling with school and found a way to get his ass suspended. He jumped in and sprayed silly spray on his teacher. Not too damn smart. As for the stupid little girl that is threatening my girl I pressed charges and she will see who pushes whom around!

Days are flying by my summer seems to be flying out in front of me with soccer for the girl taking the lead and gobbling up all my time. Easter for example had training every single day.

My kid loves sports but now whining has started that it takes up all her time. I fear the busy style of coaching is killing interest.

My older dog is throwing up often, I hope he stays healthy for another long while. I will miss his devoted eyes and wagging tail if I loose him.

Our kitten is being trained to walk on a halter as she runs so fast in the yard that if she goes too far she might not be back! Older cat seems happy right where he is on the deck with an occasional wander around the house but comes straight back when called.

I am disappointed in the new gazebo bought last year, put it up again and already there are several rips!

I have a really great neighbour and he's been helping with jobs! I have to start a list cause I am so excited to be getting some stuff done! I moved the wood for the winter fires to the outside shelves and swept out the garage. It's so roomy now! I still need to clean out the shelves but a start is a start! I also cleaned out the plastic shed - well it's waist high and has swing out doors. No more old pots and junk in there! We got the pots out of the bush and even cut some of the trees that fell or were cut by my brother and never cut to burn lengths. The Forrest is looking better and better! less trees laying about, no more broken pots and I cleared a lot of dead leaves out of the gardens and even got the front yard raked before the rain this past few days.....rain that will last until next week! OH! Maybe I can clean out that garage shelf set then.....

I cleaned a drawer in my room and dumped a bunch of goodwill in a bag- just need to drop that off now! I would love to clean my closet too....might do that on the rainy weekend...

Starting to feel it...

Not like the Black Eyed Peas...when they got a feeling! A small twinge and nerves is all my feeling is. I woke from exhaustion on the weekend to find a ton of snow had been dropped. Wow I thought that was behind us! I thought the rain would wash it all away! Instead I see that we have another few weeks of winter. it's both freaking cold and snowy as if I needed anything more than snowy to drive that thought home!

So in a few days I fly to Jamaica and I have not a single short, swim suit or pant packed!

Hockey was crazy with the 2 kids in a tourney at the same time and bball and soccer around that. I made lunches - I made a huge effort to make..... in that buying junk is too easy addictive bad for me and expensive!

I made dinner despite feeling tired, cleaned and vacuumed the floors and bathroom and tried to do all the laundry.

Fights continue for a daughter's clean room and I fear will not end soon. Son is coming a close second for crap in the basement and mess on the floor .....I cleaned garbage on Valentines day and a week later he started again!


I have learned I can block and unblock a cell phone whenever! YAY!Power comes from that ! Real Power!

Got nails done and hair done and now I need a tan ! I have the appointment on Weds for pedi/facial before my trip- pretty excited!

making no sense...

I should not feel really sad and fed up with this life. I am going to Jamaica!

Again having problems getting my daughter to cooperate. Spending more than seems to be coming in. I try not to buy anything but the shoes are outgrown and the fees for things come due and I find myself getting really sad. I have to sell something this year that I regret having to sell but I need to get some of the debt down. I really thought I could sell a painting and break even but I think the revenue will be lower than I was hoping for.

I sometimes take them place I know will cost me money but I should not and I regret it somewhat but then I think it's just stuff. We never seem to enjoy life these days.

I hope I meet someone one of these days and that seems daunting since the time to date is not there and I miss my late husband so much I don't think I'll ever be there!

I have a trip coming up and I will try to keep things within reason on it so I don't end up with a ton of bills.

just not feeling great ....that's all.

speeders anonymous

I got a freaking ticket the other day and although it's not the worst in terms of amount- just 40.00 I still felt unable to resist the tears that came with the waste of money and possible higher insurance rates.
I don't know what caused such a serious response but I really felt a wave of sadness at being in trouble! I was sitting there and warm tears spilled down my cheeks as I waited for the officer to return ticket in hand. He must have sensed something for he was in a rush to get out of my window and looked uncomfortable. I know I should not be mad- I did speed of that fact there is no denial and the thoughts came rolling through my head and I felt guilty of them as they entered...tell him you were widowed and have two kids.....Then common sense prevailed and I said nothing- why would that be relevant? Why would that even save me? I did the speeding and that was that.

I feel sad lately. Sad and a bit lonely - I am seriously hurting still from the loss of my husband and seeing the kids go through events without their dad.

Some days I sit on the couch and the cats wander in and the dog is never far and I feel comforted by the way they love me....but I still miss him so much! it's nice to have the little hearts nearby but I really miss him so much and I don't know where I will find something that will replace that!

party went well & sports are taking over-

I leave her at 15 yrs old to make a breakfast- I doubt she will be good to do it- she's used to being served. I feel that I have done so much lately that she doesn't bother any more.
So tensions were still high last night and despite everyone making it to the canal for a skate and out to the restaurant for Thai food and home home cake and presents I am still a bit mad about how this all came about and was stuffed down my throat - The soccer stuff is heating up and the team has made all kinds of comments and decisions that left a lot of people mad and uncertain. I don't want to accept a spot and then leave but I feel very strong about this club's mistakes and don't want to be a part of it. The try outs for the other L3 club that will have the players from our old team on it sounds much better to me. problem is they don't make the team official until after we have to say what we are doing with the club she made already. I don't know what kind of show we will get. She may make it - she may not! Do we take the chance?

Birthdays fiascos

Okay so a birthday was this weekend for my girl and I tried to make it fun- I woke her up at noon and brought her gifts - cool trendy make up- a new Sims 3 for her laptop and real silver rings and earings she liked earlier in the month when we were out. Trendy Volcome stuff- her fav Lindoor chocolates it was nice stuff. I waddled through knee deep clothes to do it. Hung out a bit then she gets around to talking about her plans in doing so she finally fills me in on the fact that despite the fact that I said NO to a during the week get together b/c it was not good for me- she goes ahead and whines to her friends that I am too busy and not going to have a party and then set about making one!

The shitty part is that I have never said this- only that doing it on Monday when I work all week is a bit much- Not only did she go ahead she also asked too many girls to do it and I don't have a van and can't fit them in my car. She also invited them all over night- Lastly that she does this and now has parents all coming together to get rides for this and I look like such a shmuck !!! I look like I said I can't have your party b/c I'm too busy! When really, what I said was :"let's wait and see what we can do on a better day or less hectic day"- Last week I went to a 3 hr meeting after work for her soccer Thursday and then spent hours on e-mails and on the phone and I am really tired of doing all this . Then I was going out on Friday to the only thing I do for me and have missed fr 2 weeks with kids sick or me sick from their germs sharing - I play a game of soccer get in late get to bed - then we all went out Saturday to see our friends one of whom is going through lung Cancer and the the husband had some other issues. The following day, Sunday I drive to another province ( 1 hr) to do a dinner for my girls BD. On the way there, I start to get really stressed by the conversation this BD plan for Monday is rolling out of control- before we left my son played games and disappeared all afternoon when I was trying to clean up for the overnight guests. The bathroom she uses was really disgusting and took 45 minutes to clean - minimum- I then cleaned the clothes in her room because she cannot handle it when I tell her to do it. Then I am running around trying to get stuff clean and she gets ready for dinner just before we leave I look in and there are clothes all over the floor again! My son appears and isn't ready yet! I almost threw up! I was so stressed trying to get stuff done and she hasn't done anything to help. The clean towels I gave her the day or two before- all were dirty and on her floor- I had asked her to put them away and the ones that were away were lying in under the vanity like scrunched up balls. I refolded them all and placed them back flat. again doing the job myself! We go to dinner and my son who was rude and nasty the whole days stats yipping at me and I'm warning him to stop and he just does it more. I stopped the car and said fine we aren't going to go then she starts freaking out. I turn the car around and go back towards her grandparent's house and we drive in silence. When I have calmed I say that this whole plan is going to have to be resolved tonight for the following day and the rest of the cleaning needs to be helped with. Everyone agrees to help- we go we eat we visit and we leave- on the way home we make the plan for the Monday-

She has a ride to the downtown area ( half an hour away from out house non rush hour almost 45 minutes in busier periods). Plans to skate on the Canal and then wants to do dinner at a resto - I'm trying to figure out what to do to get them from skating back to my office then changed then dinner- it's a bit much and she has gone ahead and done this saying her friends have worked this all out so I don't have to worry- but the problem is it's a mess! They don't know how they are getting from the rink to the office I work in, to change and then to a restaurant and then how 6 kids are going to fit into 3 seats! I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am really fed up-

Now we argued all night because instead of getting home and helping me get the house ready- she got on the phone and started talking to soccer people for 2 and a half hours. So she now throws this plan at me and I have a mess to figure out and now dinner to cover taxis to pay for - Argue! All this and I had to clean up the house that looked like a bloody mess myself! I am just fuming mad fed up and I don't even want to do to this dinner now!

feeling small

I watched the last lecture of Randy Pausch and feel like such a failure after hearing his positive outgoing and goodly ways. He just talks about the basics and doing the right thing.

I feel sad because I can't even think of any childhood dreams. I can't remember ever hoping to be something or do something- I mean most of mine were about having the right shoes and great clothes and lately I am so fat that that's not even possible. I don't fit into the clothes I would like to have.

I kinda think that when I was in University I dreamed of seeing the art that I studied...and I did that. I surprise my own self by the fact that I felt teary in the Louvre at one point.

But other than that I really just wished that Icould travel and I am doing that these days. I feel sad and lonely and mad at myself like....that I was feeling sorry for myself some days and like this morning I saw a driver and he was driving a car like the one my husband first had when I met him. Bob Dylan's song lay lady lay played the line says come lay accross my brass bed and I remember coming home with him when we were first together and we would go to sleep in the brass bed. I still have that bed - its the bed he died in. I miss laying in that bed with him. I miss him.

And the tears come. driving alone and it's the only time I can cry.

Then at work I take a break and I hear this man speak, that has this unbelievable talent and here he is talking about his own demise- months away and I'm minutes before just feeling pity and sorrow for myself and I can't help thinking how is his wife doing now that he's gone? Hard to replace my guy who was good and kind in his own way and yet he was nasty and mean at the end too and here this woman looses a man of Legacy and I can't imagine where she would go from there.

it's hard enough thinking of taking his things down and removing his clothes but the loosing of him is somehting I don't think I'll ever be over. Its not like I can even know what he was thinking at the end.... that's the hard part. Yet she looses and man so publically and all I can say is which is worst? Knowing it will end and talking about it all the time? Or not knowing?

Sore stomach blues

Was sick is sick will I be sick?

These are the questions on my mind as I sit in my office cubicle and squirm in pain as each hour or so the pain in my stomach gurgles and stabs me from the inside out. A lightning rod of flash pain erupts every so often and I wince when they hit.
Coworker takes note and I say I have some weird cramps- little discussion on that then I go to the bathroom- my stomach gives way and I have a terrible cramp and then like a tap I loose the pain on the toilet. This goes on for a better part of the day. trips to the bathroom both hated and loved- as on the way back the pain subsides...Do I go home?- not like I cannot work through it right? so I stay. Head is aching and hands are freezing- I reach for the soft shawl I keep here and it warms me and I wrap myself in it- I enjoy the chill on my head as I lay my frozen hand there a moment- It seems to calm my screaming head.

I wish as I do daily that my husband was here and that I had insured the Mortgage and that I would have been able to take off more time.....I find that I am unhappy here and worst than being unhappy in your workplace is being in pain and feeling rotten and unhappy there- It's not the workers it's working in general. I wish My husband had taken care of me to the point that I would never want and never have to be at a workplace.

visitors taking pics

I had an out of towner come by and it was interesting weekend having someone around- I may be getting set in my ways or he may be set in his but I think we were happy to retreat to our own cities by the end! Had some laughs and some time to just let him know what my life is like- anyway here are the pics he took of my fruit basket!

flu bug -

All got the stomach flu and I was out a few days- I did have time to get a few things done though- even the few hours extra that i was home were enough to clean a few things and cook a few things- I made a few soups and got caught up on some odd jobs- I wish I was a stay at home mom- even with the kids in school I would like to able to cook and clean and have a restful relaxing place to live in - I can feel the pressures of when we need to do things and we are busy with sports and work- If I had the same insurance amount on my husband as I do on myself I could probably have stayed home a few years until things got settled- I really wish we had Mortgage insurance and I would have had that paid out and I could really have afforded to take the time off-

What I would love to do right now if move somewhere hot and interesting- and do a job that is just as boring as mine but with that bonus of location! The winter is killing me with the cold and the dark. I really am starting to feel old!

Tcat News...

We have a new outdoor cat- He's so shy he runs at the sight of us he's a marble grey brown one that comes in the evening and gobbles the food up- the first few times he ate 2 bowls- I think he was pretty hungry poor thing!

Tcat sits in the window for hours and if baby kitty H even steps within 3 feet of the door he gets mad at her and pushes her back- big brave protector that he is- He has been on watch for a few weeks now- we go over and praise him and he purrs...he feels pretty important!When he sees him he meows and makes all kinds of noises - reminds me of the Three Stooges with the yelps and squeeks and whoops he makes !

Other behaviours are the lap sitting- oddly enough he suddenly decided that he likes to hop on my lap and does so pretty close to everyday now. He also went from end of the bed to beside my pillow on the bed. He curls up right by my face and I pull the blanket up on him and all you see is a little white fur pillow when he tucks his head in. I leave him there after I get up if he comes later in the morning and gets all comfy.

He still pees on the couch downstairs occasionally- my son has been cleaning the litter everyday and if he misses a day once in a while we have a "an incident". I have a plastic cover on the couch and we Javex it when he "goes" there....So it's not ideal but we are managing without loosing the couch-

He seems more and more happy with Hkitty Now that she is older she plays and snuggles and he really seems to enjoy her company- He also loves Mdog mat and he keeps wandering over and crawling up on the mat with Mdog and they look like Ying and Yang curled up side by side black and white. Mdog gets and nose to nose every so often from Tcat but nothing makes me laugh more than when Mdog wants him off the bed and takes a bite on the side and shakes the whole bed around ! Tcat just stubbornly sits there on the bed being swung around and shaken for a while before he gives up the spot! Funny as they are when ever I am in the living room they all sit with us and if I move to the office they all relocate to near the office and if we go up stairs they all wander up there pretty soon after! I kinda like when I come out of the bathroom and see the cats on the bed and the dog on the floor- They all come wandering over when I get home for the hello greetings! We have noticed that if you call Tcat in a high voice he starts rubbing the wall /table or whatever is near like he is self petting- We have been practicing- if he's walking by I call his name in a high voice and he instantly stops and rubs himself and blinks at you....pretty funny! Then he always gets a good petting and ear rub!

I threw my tam in the air!

Just like Mary Tyler More I did it! I got everything done just in time!

I got the presents wrapped and the trees done and the dinner for 17 went smoothly! I was tired and sick and run down so bad that the rest of the week I slept and did not much else!

Mom did little to help. Just showed up and then sat there and enjoyed her self. She did even less to clean up and made faces that my gravy wasn't good and stupid comments about the fact that I haven't sent cards. Haven't heard from her since. Not even a thanks-you.
The clean up went on for a few days and the times I wasn't cleaning up I was sleeping.

I managed one trip to bring the kids to ski- they must have thrown my snow pants out with the ones they got rid of ...because I cannot find them so I could not go.

They did have friends over and went shopping and that's all I can do. Next year I will decline the party be at my house and let someone else do the whole thing. I will not have a lot to do and I will not have to rush and that....will be my present to me.