wrapping !

I have got to find the energy to wrap the presents- go through and make sure I have everything and get it placed under the tree- that's all I have to say on wraping!

Don't get me started on cookies!

I feel so sad when I least expect it- people caringly ask with the most sincere sad eyes I've ever seen how we are doing and I always laugh nervously and I never know what will come out after that. I read some one's blog about how under control she is after learning to block the emotions and only let them out at certain times. I see the kid's eyes turn quickly towards me- if my voice catches I see worry crosses their faces when they see tears in my eyes, or me looking sad.

I hate when I loose it.

I was reading something sad and I felt the tears and I closed it only to open it in a while and force myself to keep going and control the tears. I have done this many times since he died. I kinda think it's numbing practice so I don't tear up when asked this simple question. No one really wants to know- Even my parents act like the world is just continuing as if it never changed. When I get into this or that being sad or hard, they get uncomfortable and agitated and seem to wish I would not talk.

No one really wants to know how many tears I've cried since that day or the nasty things said in the house in anger and grief. It's just too much. Even for me to write it it's too much- Sometimes I am a toboggan sliding down a hill and I feel i just can't stop and I wake up nervous and throw up nothing but bile but the nerves just don't go away. Sometimes I catch the slope with my feet and I feel it slow and sometimes even stop- it's heart breaking- then cause you feel like maybe I care less now- and guilt creeps in- either one sadness lonelyness guilt or anger are shitty ones to feel but we are all feeling them in my house.

When will I stop lamenting on what the kids will miss? When will life turn happy and take me to another mans arms that will hold the same strength and meaning that the lst ones did? I miss him even though I am angry at him too. It's very confusing....

One more for today

I would like to say that I doubt anyone reads this- I haven't shared it with anyone and every time I think about it I kinda cringe and decide not to. It's really strange that I can write my thoughts to cyber space and never tell my family. As I said before I let the man I loved be my best friend for 15 years and now I don't have one anymore. He's dead and I struggle.

Wow went in a different direction there than I intended.

Ok I am proud of myself. I am not one for following a pattern- no coffee no tea no cigarettes and yes sometimes I drink but not every night and never the same thing over and over-
and so the fact that I have continued to blog to no one but myself and whatever random person reads it- which I doubt anyone does. I am proud that I have kept it up. and more than ever that I have done more than one a month worth thus more than 12 and even more than 2 per month worth- ( more than 24) and I want to try to get a few more in the next weeks before this blog passes onto the 4th calendar year of it's life.

I know my spelling sucks I learned in French first! C'est la vie comme on dirais en francais!

I noticed a pattern

If I find a fault with what my mother says to me things such as "you didn't send flowers to grama " or whatever then I say "Hey that's not fair I was still in shock having lost my husband a few weeks before! " she says "Oh don't be so sensitive-"
If I find a fault with an action she has done such as when she invites everyone to my house never discusses this with me and even picks a time for them to come and then sends it to me along with all the others she invitted by e-mail. So I say "Hey don't you think you should talk with me first before you hit the send button?" she says "Why do you sweat the details? It's not set in stone- "
If I get mad and say anything about people in an attempt to vent just to feel better- especially after listening to her do it all day then she says to me - "all you do is complain. You are always so negative"

So I have to be a plastic daughter and listen to their stories and they don't much worry about me or mine.

It's hard feeling so insignificant.

#$%^& to do list

Get off my back I say not to a monkey but a to do list;

get tree- not just any tree but a tree from a farm I must cut it myself so says my son-
get the tree up and get it decorated probably mostly while telling them stop texting!
get baking! I have not made a single thing- I have to at least make roll cookies it's tradition using the old Tupperware roll cookie cutters - I have these exact ones and I even found a second set to pass some along to my kids when they have families so they will each have a set!
get the decos that are still laying on the floor up to the places they belong- it's mainly the garland for the railing
get the rest of the furniture put together and pick out paint and pick out fabric for curtains and get the room painted!
wash the floor clean the house joy oh joy!

make some food have a party- pass out.

facebook as a good thing...

Today I looked at the FB pages of a few friends and I was saddened to see the guy friend I had at this age is with some young girl- who worked in makeup no less... I mean really? She even has herself in a fur coat off her bare shoulders as her profile pic, bare as in she looks naked. Sad really- I always thought the kind of men to look a the younger trophy girl were old men....not my friends. Makes me feel old and past my expiration date. Another friend looks reat in her bikini pics- this made me feel even worst since it's not all women my age it's just the ones like me who are was fatter and less youthful looking I guess.

Well as a good thing the FB cartoon posting reminded me of G- Force and that made me smile- I even watched an old clip of the show on you tube- It was fun and it felt familiar and good.

tired of being a sw/m

The days of the season approach almost as though they are all hurry themselves to the day that all must be done- I am tired- too tired to fight with the garland that lies in the hall for almost 2 weeks by the stairs they should be on by now- Tired of not having my husband to help think of clever and fun things and to haul the tree once we cut it and help it into the car or on it if it's that big.
I miss the time I had to get a gas tank filled and not worry about the cost or have no money issues or being really late because I stopped to do it. I find lately that I fell behind on the estimated things and now I am trying to catch up. I may sell an old painting come spring to bring me out of the red- I might just keep trying to drop money in right place and not buy stuff-

Not buy stuff? Ya right- well- as I think about the birthdays coming in January and the party season with wine and food to buy and make and I think- I really miss just having him here to talk to and have someone share the memories with from a parent's perspective.

I hate being a single woman with kids- a single mom/ a widowed mom. I wish I could gather the courage to date and then again I don't want to forget him and replace him. I want it all- I want him back and and things to be normal and for us all not to hurt anymore. We are all feeling an emptiness from him being gone- I am heartbroken and tired and I want to scream for my mom or brothers to offer to help. Instead my mom asks for everyone to come to our house again.

I really don't want to do it this year- They leave little choice with the bitter fights between other siblings and the fact that one cannot go to another's because of it.

I want to hug him and lay my head on his shoulder and smell his smell of men's products and his sweat and the fabric cleaner I use when I wash the clothes.
Oh well....that's not going to happen now is it?

my dog

Got the carpets cleaned and the dog has peed in 3 areas within 24 hours and puked on another!
Then he decides after 12 years he's now gonna use my bed- not his doggie beds but mine! I have vacumed my bed of doggie hair and cleaned the spots on the floors and and figured he's been mad about being left alone at home. So..... while we ran around so yesterday I took him in the car with us and last night he sorta cooperated on the idea of going on his own bed again- Today before I left I gave him a bone and rubbed his belly a bit more than usual..... I hope he will start cooperating again I really don't like all the dog hair on my bed!

green eyes and ham

i just love saying that isn't it clever? I have a cute older kitty with the sea foam green eyes that just make you wonder how he got such a wonderful color!

So My cat MrT....He's much happier these days so he was ignoring me and sleeping in the doggie bed and he must have been mad at us when he was sleeping in the doggie bed those few days cause he's back cuddling and even hoping up on the couches to get to my lap again- he sometimes paws my leg when I sit at the office computer and he needs a little ear rub- He has been more snugly lately than ever and it's nice to see him hanging out like a little gang with little kitty H and M the dog. They always seem to be in the same room together-

So yesterday I was making dinner and I made pesto pasta and I though I had some chicken breast in the freezer and it turns out the only ones I had were the ones I marinated in Terriyaki- not so good with pesto- so what to make....what to make - then I spy the ham! Yessss.... perfect! So I make the pasta and I have to make cream sauce for one kid and pesto for the other and the ham is mild enough to go well with both- and I slice it up and I look down and T and his big green eyes is staring at me....Do you like ham I wonder???? so I toss him a small piece and to my surprise he gobbles it right up!

So in comes H and M, ham any one? I toss the rind to M "snap" gone. H sniffed hers and then pulls it across the floor and gobbles it up. And all the while the big green eyes are still upon me- another piece? Yup- and all through dinner- muchin on the ham-

A piece of meat was never so appreciated!

He also seems to really like the Purina indoor cat food with a bit of grass and stuff to help digestion. He doesn't seem to mind one bit that we changed the food a few times the last few months- I think we settled on the Purina indoor cat blend ( supposed to help with hair balls too and I did find one the other days-----ewwwwwww) one that's the one that they eat the fastest so I think it rated high on the taste!

long weekends are tough

I have high expectations of myself for long weekends and I rarely meet them. Last night I dipped into the wine a bit too much and did nothing much at night- But the weekend I got the kids to help and we cleared a lot of pots from the pots I had bought this summer- cleared the dead and drying flowers and soil from them and even got it all to the recycle- we finally cleared the last of the old metal gazebo frame that has been sitting there quite a while as we were bringing it down in chunks this summer- I got the cover off the gazebo - put that away and re arranged the deck stuff so that the chairs being left out are tucked in under the covered roof- the rugs are vacuumed and rolled and tucked in to the garage- which is really full. I hate it that way too. I unburied the snow blower and got it facing the door for that day when - that 4 letter word hits- I got a new coat for my son and pants too and he really seems to like them- I also got a cute coat for my girl- I think she likes it- not so sure- It's Roxy and I thought it was cute- I hope she wears it-

So with more light on the back porch now maybe my plants will grow a bit better- I still have a bunch or furniture to put together and painting to do and decorating and I also still need to bring my extra bed to the cottage and hopefully set it up before my mom says not to. The beds there are in need of a an upgrade! 2 of the 3 rooms are done and I'd like to get the last one done now-

I really miss my husband and I have been weepy lately when I think of him. I don't think it will ever get better- I also signed up for a dating site but just the free ones as I am not all that serious and then I noticed no one is interested and even the few free " Hi" notes I sent are being ignored. I wish so much I wasn't starting over at this point in my life. It really is going to be hard to get into this dating arena/mosh pit. I will try something soon and hopefully not get crushed.

party and other stuff

Look at the party table it's rocking! And these are the costumes I coordinated with my boy's friends that trick or treated with him!

I was a bit worried about numbers for the party and in the end it was fine- lots of people came that were new and they were all awed by the whole event- I was happy because I had been feeling a bit left behind and that really brought me back to feeling plugged in- I had old friends and new and even a few brothers in law and one of my own brothers showed up- We were all tired and did the best we could to see off the overnight-ers but 3 am party-ers are not good break fast makers!

Sad news came after the party- my close close friends have the news of a new spot of cancer on her only remaining lung. She was told she may be at stage 4 and may have as little as 6-12 months to live. She is so close to me I do not know what I'll do without her and he treats her as his whole world and will be devastated.

I know that I never had to deal with that - My husband was gone in a breath of a regular day just like that- no worrying no goodbyes just gone. I really don't know what's worst.

The party went well and the decos are cleaned up mostly- Now I need to get the Yard stuff in and look at a load or 2 of wood. Life goes on around this sadness and I think it helps in some ways- I still feel this heavy heart all through it-

I wait for that day I am bored

I read somewhere that a lady was waiting for that day to come that she was bored and I thought - ya so am I but.....only if that means that the stuff I had to do is already done!

What a nice thought- I have to prepare the forest and house for the party and decide on the food and make it and buy all the things that I need like....ice and booze and ya- lots to do!

I have furniture to put together in the garage and wood to buy and stack- There's a bedroom to paint and boy the list still goes on doesn't it!

I want to clean basement and garage and get rid of stuff and clean closets and get rid of stuff- boy I cannot wait until all that is done and I can just be bored!!

I should be happy that I found a snow board for 180 for the girl and I just have to buy the bindings for the snowboard I got last year for the boy- I have new skis for my girl so I also have new skis for the boy in that he gets her old ones.

I need boots for his snowboard and a jacket but I also have until Xmas before the snow flies- or so I think /hope.

In a year and a half I had a lot done, replaced ,fixed. And yet I still have a lot to dooooooo tooooo

just when you think it's going good......

So I thought I was cruising pretty well down the stress highway- I got home from a trip late one night the next day I was up and at it to get the electrical done- I finally peeked at the visa bill and was okay with it- not happy but okay.

I had gotten to a cottage to put stuff away, partook in the TG activities and made soups for the kids and the broth of two soups for friends.

I was getting some extra cleaning done- cleaned the fridge and the fronts of the kitchen cupboard doors and was keeping up at work and popping things in like no tomorrow into the calendar to be ready and know what's happening when-

Then it hit me 3 days of waiting for my kids to clean up and really clean up not this stuff it in the closet crap. Then the name calling started and they start fbombing me for things they should have done. lists 3 days old - not completed- rooms full of crap- then I start to fall back and then my legs give out and the next thing I know I am full out rolling backwards downhill hit and am crushed by the nastiness.

How can I do all I do for them- fix things make dinners ( that week roast chicken with mashed potatoes and the next day roast prime rib with boiled potatoes and veg and salads from the garden and then 2 home made soups.... )I made lunches included a pop and a chocolate bar as a surprise and then- they start swearing and calling me names and telling me to shut up.

I crashed hard and fast last night and it was very upsetting and I am really hurt by the kids. I don't know what to do....I miss my husband and I am angry and sad and lonely and hurt.

back from Yucatan Peninsula

Well we had a week in Mexico and the weather before our week was rainy and the week after they got a Hurricane so I am happy to report we had nothing but sunny hot weather and we enjoyed the trip- Mayan ruins, secret underground rivers and lots of beach.....it was a great trip.

The shopping stressed me out and I started to really worry about how much I was spending but I think it's going to be okay-
I loved the beach, hot white sand and blue sea made it fantastic- we chased the stingrays with our snorkels and fed fish schools that swarmed us! The iguanas were plenty- big to small and a few ate the banana my son fed them which was cute-

We saw a lot of the country and ate a few Mexican faves- tacos, corn chips and lots of guacamole and fresh salsa!

The kids learned a bit of Spanish and I practiced mine!

Then we got home- early the next morning was a helping cousin who fixed the lights I screwed up and the plug that was wonky- next I cleaned and did washing and got groceries and the dog- Next we put away a good deal of cottage stuff and removed the food- then we had turkey dinner and I took a lot of the carcass home- de-boned the meat and cubed the good stuff and boiled the bones and made a soup broth- I then brought the broth and a good amount of meat to my neighbors house who has been quite ill and she was pretty happy to get it and gave me pointers on how she makes the soups she has shared with me over the years-

She gave me a few spices and then I made my turkey noodle, she made hers and we both enjoyed a home made soup !

She had a chicken that she hadn't cooked yet and she was trying to get the energy up for it so she could make a soup- I guess my timing was good-

Then last night I made a roast beef dinner and did the same thing with the beef bone- my soup is amazing and she's happy to get a soup broth on again for next week! They like soup for lunches- They are older so they have the time for a nice home cooked lunch!

She also feels more productive this way, I do a lot of the long work and get the broth to her and then she just dices a few veg and add some noodles and spice and feels like she took care of dinner!

Once someone is sick and stops doing the little things it can really make them feel useless and it was my hope to activate the good proud feelings of accomplishment that will also make her feel better- :)

Mexico Saturday

Hell yes- I got to be getting my beach on!

I feel some days like jumping in the icy water river in my town and if that was the good idea you don't know what the bad ones are- and you don't want to.

I have kids that fight and lie and cheat and as much as I know that to be somewhat normal what a sister did to her brother was not so nice. She took his wallet and hid it - using the 100.oo he earned babysitting this summer and she let him take the heat for loosing the wallet all summer. Yep stood there silent while he was told he could not participate in things so long as the wallet was not found- he claimed that it was in his room- it probably was he just never knew that she took it- She spent to money- had nothing to show for it and cried when it was discovered. Now I have to find a fitting way to deal with this. How I miss my husband and all his wise ways and patience that I have none of.....I have cried all the way to work and home and sat in utter sadness by myself in the house. This is really hard-

So I try to focus on the good things and things like trips that I booked a long time ago......

school again

My goodness am I happy for school- not for summer to end tho! I really will miss the heat as I am not all that happy for winter this year- well that's it for now- I lost my inspiration somewhere!

house cleaned cottage stuff started -school too

We cleaned up then headed to the cottage- the clean up part ended badly I got to the end of my rope and I couldn't take it anymore- I get the "you should have said it this way" and the "you didn't tell me that" ( usually after I have told them 4-5 times to do something-

I get run down after a while- I am always running after someone giving a ride paying for a new something er other and when they get this they simply forget it it.....then I ask for something and it blows up up up!

Anyway- we ended up having a pretty nice stay a t the cottage and the weather wasn't great- rain! but between showers the grass was cut and the trampoline was taken in and the paddle boat done by my brother - I brought back a bunch of food and only left the basics and a few can goods that we will bring back next visit-

Last night the kids readied themselves for school and picked all the new pens and markers and highlighters for their pencil case and were pretty excited- I gave my girl a manicure at the cottage and then a pedicure at home and did some foil high lights in her hair! She felt good!

Big meeting coming up with work and a big bunch of things to do- furniture to be put together- wood bought and stacked and then painting ....ahhhh life !

sneak another one in before it's too late

I am burnt I am browned off that it is Sept tomorrow and I also got a bit too much sun yesterday- My girl did a photo shoot for the friend that works with a charity- see her on the bike...
My big tough guy cat has a black eye or something- He tangled with the unknown in the woods and looks like he got a few hits from the other guy-
My baby Kitty is sweet and snugly and loving and I wish she would stay the same forever- My old dog had a great trip to a city as few hours away with us and as always was the perfect gentle man. He sat through the drive enjoyed the grass at the soccer game took in a walk and a drink and then slept in the car quietly while we ate at a pub. The out door terrace was beside the car and we checked him a few times! It had cooled and the car was in the shade windows open-

I am tired as usual. School is on the way and so is a trip to Mexico- I just booked the kennel and I am ready for the surf!

weeks off I suppose

Last 2 weeks I went to the cottage and I painted whenever the weather was good- I painted the deck the sheds and the docks- well I helped the kids and I did it all together- it looks so good and I feel great that we got it all done- More than that I think my father is really happy we got it done- The only thing left is the dock- we used a 3 system stain on cedar and it got the first can but the 2nd and 3rd coats are still left to be done- I also should do the pergola as I noticed spots not done on that- whenever we get back up maybe I will look at getting that done-
We didn't relax that much but I think I'll book us a trip and see what happens with that! We did have a 2 weeks on a cruise and 2 weeks in Paris so it's no biggie that I worked a bit on this time off-

I also bought new comforters for the beds and they looked really good!

Cat's and wine

The owner who gave us our cat due to her allergies was missing him and came to see him- they I should say as the whole family was there when I was expecting just one- either way the cat was a bit uncooperative b/c he wanted to go outside and instead of cuddling or looking any way like he missed them he hissed and growled. I suppose I should feel flattered. It could mean he likes it at out place....

Eventually the kids and hubby left and the lady sat with me and had wine and we literally hopped from deck to deck and back again following the cat so she could be with him. He's a good little boy and I would miss him too if I had to give him up so I sympathise.

We sat up and had fun and I really feel it this morning! I was tired yesterday but today I am like wiped right out.

My boy is at camp and I have to get him there for a set time so it means not dillydallying in the morning. It's noon and I am beat! I have a soccer game on tonight and I am looking forward to my bed although it will be 9 hours maybe more until that time!

did this that and the other thing

I have planted and weeded the veggie garden
I have seeded, watered and cut grass
I have laid mulch down then laid some more probably 70 bags now
I have planted bush, flower, vine, short flowers , tall ones ,in pots and in the ground
I have eaten veggies from the garden and shared them with family and friends
I have vacuumed the garage and the deck....well there's carpets there to be fair!
I have removed a mouse body from my feet and praised an adopted cat for the gift, repeat 4 X
I have driven to late husbands family event & visited
I drove a Brother in law and GF back to my city and had them as guests
I yelled at the kids, cried with them, hugged them and mourned their dad a year after he died
I watch them play soccer and try to have their friends over
I worked, twisting numbers and forms to make sense-
I paid lawyers and accountants and bills and taxes and feel a little raw by it all
I fixed a toilet and the toilet seat and tried to fix the tap- not there yet!
I vacuumed and bleached and dusted and washed, repeat every week!
I sorted and treated for stains and washed and ironed, repeat every week!
I found a kitty for my son to love and he named her Halo for his angle who's also his dad
I have fought long and hard with my tween girl and cried tears that she can't yet
I have felt longing and broken and beat down and disappointment and pride
I have been surprised by a little boy's effort
I have been shameful of the state of my tween's room in front of company
I have been duped, lied to and manipulated
I have been hugged
I had my septic break and had it fixed
I had new brakes on the car
I had my soccer mates over and they planted a tree in memory then drank in celebration!
I have spoken to the banks and fixed their mistakes, soon my name will be on the house
I have missed him with every fiber of my being
I have a broken heart.

I guess I'll help again

I had a blow out then I just took a quick swallow of pride and sense of self respect and will likely go to the cottage and cut the grass. My brother has said he's going numerous days and still can say that and not show up. I wanted to have the girls up for one night but the way things are going I sincerely hope it happens but don't hold much hope-

My daughter left the doors open and went touring around on her bike- then she left the bike sticking out and I wasn't able to close the garage. I went to got her and told her to move the bike and close the garage and she didn'r so this morning I found the door wide open and the bike still in the way and to top it off the other bike right in the way of the car pulling out. honestly I think I'm going to loose it this summer if this is the way things will go.

negative ways

I went to our family cottage and I cut the grass and visited for a bit and mostly I just got very frustrated. I listened to how my mom sees people- 'this one is cheap and this one is ...."

You know I wonder what drives me to do do do and I may just now know- I think my parents focus on what is not done and forget what has been done pretty damn quickly. While there I was complained to on how terrible we ( my siblings and I) are that we didn't send flowers when my grandma died. Sadly I just buried my husband a few weeks before, I was in a financial crisis and probably in a state of shock. Sick - that's just sick to be criticised for not sending flowers. I said hey man wait a minute I was....(see above) and then was told don't take it personally. Don't take it personally? Seriously! I just can't believe this.

Sadly when my mother took off to Europe my grams went very bad health wise and I went down to see her and I helped make decisions on things like DNR decisions- It was really hard- I brought her flowers and visited and helped her eat-

all forgotten and not one bit of thanks late on.

All to say I try to do everything maybe in some way trying to get someone to acknowledge what I get done- my house is clean the laundry gets done grass cut, gardens weeded and planted- repainting done and new furniture ...anyway...I guess some part just never heard anything good out of them and does 5 times what most people do to get the few complements that gets me. Then the next family visit I get told all the bad things I did again.

This week an earthquake struck and I was evacuated from the 20th floor of my office tower. It happened a few minutes before I could print out directions to the funeral home where my sister in law's mom was waked. I missed the wake. I called my mom the next day-

she eats her cereal chopping it in the phone - so why didn't you go to the wake? lets' just say in a few minutes of convo I hung up. In that few minutes she judged me for not going- made comments that she thinks that kids could go with missing sports once in a while for these things and pretty much made me feel like crap. I responded with - gee an earthquake kinda stopped my plans! If I had a husband to get help from I would have gone at night- and my daughter just missed her sport last time you took her out to get a dress for a dance because it was too much for you to drop her off at a field. Also you want to come down on me for not making a wake? then why would you ( my mother) start telling me my grandma was dead at my husband's funeral? She wasn't dead by the way and no one that saw it quite gets what she was ranting about.

honestly??? how can someone like that just look at what everyone else does wrong?

garden

This year I planted,
radishes, beets , carrots, tomatoes,, cauliflower, green onions, garlic, peas, pumpkins, lemon grass, cucumber, zucchini, 5 types of lettuce, bok choy, potatoes, watermelon, beans and a bunch of herbs

So far we have radish, green onion , loads of lettuce a few tomatoes and that makes some tasty salads-

The first tomato My husband used to cut in half even if it was a cherry or grape tomato and sprinkle it with a little salt and pepper and serve it up ceremoniously- I miss that. I really miss him.

cottage bursting at the seams

Well I haven't written since the long weekend- all things planned occurred except that my brother and his family and his sister in law all went to the cottage too and never told me they were going- Now this cottage is a family cottage so it's not mine or anything per se, but given that I was the only one to stay over night in the last 2 years it would have been handy or at least logical to send me a note that they were planning on being there- They have 5 people in the family plus the s-i-l. That's a lot! They brought a tent and planned to be in it at least in part, but this is going to be a shitty summer if I have to share with them all the weekends I can even make it up there-

It was just too much- 3 small kids dropping things everywhere and up at dawn plus 2 older kids who wanted some quiet and stay up late then sleep in-

I was so upbeat about the time and now I am kinda upset that they are just showing up and by that I mean not warning me so we can coordinate things better- It's not like they ever used to come up- So I think that the courtesy is on them to start it off with saying - we plan to stay up over night this year summer so maybe we should coordinate things- are you going up this weekend ?

I guess I get irratated because I cleanned the cottage; ( fridge stove counters vacumed corners and behind stuff when first reopened) bought the sheets made the beds bought all new pillows and then cut grass haul out chairs and put out the water trampoline and boats -

It's alot then when you want to enjoy it someone else shows up.

tired sore and looking forward to a long weekend

Last night I bought a new bunk bed for the cottage and was really happy to pick it up and deliver it all in the same night-only prob is the cottage is about an hour from the house add to that assemble and remove from car time and you get a late night! I am tired from the late night sore from the lifting and yes like I said looking forward to a long weekend!

I look forward to purchasing decent pillows for the bed as well as some new sheets tonight and washing them in time to put them straight on the bed! hurray! I also got some cool fireworks and groceries and they are all delivered to the cottage now!

Looking forward to spending the next few days there-

I got the garden in and planned to do the same at the cottage- a garden at each place will mean fresh produce and less dragging stuff from one to the other- I mean won't it be fun to just go pick a cucumber for the salad? numnum~

last week I got a lot done in there so this weekend should be way easier! Maybe some painting!

Either way can't complain about the cottage when it's gonna be a hot summer and things will be way more fun! Last year I lost my love and had a freezing wet yucky summer- this year I only hope that it will get better for us all-

ok we need to talk- god I hate those words!

So the person that spoke about me to their boss now knows that I know they spoke about me to their boss. So she says we need to talk. Why do I feel so sick at the thought? I was the one that got burned by her.
Well that's just stupid I know but that's the way I work sometimes.

Ok good things- I got grass cut at the cottage and my brother got most of the water on. ( one tap to fix)
We got the cover on the boat ( that was stitched up and fixed the broken pipe that held it)and the boat in the water- I scrubbed most of the sinks and bathrooms and vacuumed the floors and now plan to replace the other beds-cause I just got a new mattress set- yay!
I swept out the gazebo and put the chairs around with small tables and it's all set to party! Ok maybe not to party but it's nice to sit in- without the bugs- I got the trampoline in the water....and the cover is in for the recliner that has splits on the arms but is otherwise still really comfy!

At home I patched all the pee dead grass with soil and seed and top seeded the rest of the yard and spread 30 bags of red cedar mulch on the gardens thus keeping some of the weeds down- still work to be done but it's less this way-

I need to clear the rest of the gardens and get planting now- we are pretty close to plants going in and I even have the peat moss and sheep manure to mix in like my husband used to do- he'd be pretty happy with that, maybe even surprised that I would still do it his way - I miss him more as time goes on not less.

Sadly my glass candles stands ( well glass tops metal stands actually) were knocked over and broken and Pier one doesn't just replace the glass....or does it? I went by and they said they might be able to do that! So I got 2 more to replace the broken ones and if they do allow the glass replaced I'll have 2 new candle holders for the other deck! :)

feeling a little glum

Well after having a week of fighting with the kids to pick up the clothes they drop all over the house and having a look at the grass that needs to be cut and the house that needs to be clean and the laundry that needs to be done and knowing that gram pa needs help this weekend and I will have to go to the cottage and clean that- make beds and wash the stove and shelves and fridge put the stuff out that goes out- like solar lights and such- I am a little glum, I would like to sleep a bit and do nothing but that's not going to happen! I guess the bathrooms and vacuuming can get done tonight and maybe I can get the Grass cut too- I have 2 mowers and the second one was not starting the other day- If I can get it started then I can get part done and so can my son! Much faster :)

But still I am behind getting the taxes in and am still feeling way over extended.

The part about the coworker that I thought was a friend for the past 7 years stabbing me in the back- well that sucks too!

stabbed in the back

Well there are not too many people I count as friends in this workplace= so not too many to talk to. So imagine my surprise when the one person I spoke to about some of my concerns in my workplace turned around and told her boss that people were saying things and he in turn called my boss and told him I was saying all kids of stuff that puts his division in question reputation wise.

I am really upset. I spoke to her as a friend saying that I didn't think the way they ( managers) spoke about clients was ethical and that it bothered me and she turned it on me- now the big bosses think I am a person who runs around talking about others-

I just need to stop speaking about anything to anyone and look for a different job. This place is too small and I just got a bad reputation as a gossip- the really sour part for me is that I made a point to not talk to anyone about this except this long time friend. Now I feel betrayed and stabbed in the back.

trip went well back to the grind

We had exceptional weather- the house was perfect- the pool a great thing to have in the 30 degree heat- all had fun and enjoyed the trip and that's that!

Actually- grams was a bit complainy and niece offered money once then ran out after some special purchases on sunglasses and shoes- I would have thought either of them would have been a bit more thankful- It took a lot to plan find /pay for /and fret about that home rental and I really think that grams could 've been more thankful that all she had to do was show up- I even made her pina coladas and such served to her on the patio- her response was that these are too fattening and she didn't want another while she heaped butter, bacon and pastries all week onto her plate- niece well she got a free vacay and didn't offer gas- food- or any other money- she offered once for booze then ended up running out of money- I should have taken it when she offered the first time it never came to happen again!

Now I'm waiting for- money from damage deposit and cash from the gas company bonus deal! I'll explain that another time!

back to bills to pay and all that!

lost broken not working

I have a new set of phones that water spilled on this morning and they are not working.....
My kid got a new Ipod Touch last fall and cannot find it right now-
I tried to put up the gazebo I bought- it's 12 by 10 and our deck is too although I had a 10 by 10 on it last time and it was really old so when I replaced it I though why not get the longer one for the extra space....well it fits except that the lights mounted on the wall were in the way so I tried to take them apart and fit it through the metal and that worked but now I cannot get it back together, it's probably going to take a real electrician to put it together- The wall on the left side of the basement has a bunch of plugs that are not working anyway so I guess I will have one fix that too- I also need to to finish the painting and pay for the couch and trip- man- this is starting to add up! I wish things would stop going wrong! I get one thing done and 2 more crop up!

tired again-

I am really tired- the time changed and I lost an hour but more than that I heard a bang last night while sleeping and the sleep after that was less than calming. I had dreams and and kept waking up and wondering what the noise was - I looked this morning and there was a light that I had hung under the cupboard that runs on batteries- My thought was in the case of power going out I could use it as a bathroom light- My daughter keeps taking the flashlights and I never find them or they are dead already- Anyway thanks to me being proactive and having a plan in case of a power outage- I did not sleep last night- Maybe had I gotten up and rested my mind at ease things would have been better- oh well morning came and I 'll get to bed early tonight I guess!

Tomorrow my new gazebo comes- -plus the kayaks! Ahh summer it seems to be really close ! Grass is popping out and things are moving along! Soon blooms and plants weeds and bugs and grass cutting - can't wait! :)

I wanted to clean the basement and pack up a bunch of stuff but that's the way things go sometimes....I ran out of time and when I take a day off I don't always have the energy to do anything else. I really look forward to the time when I can get another room done and go work out there....have all the junk at the back of the house all nicely stored on shelves......yes all that would be great!

irony-

I use this to vent and was re-reading it thinking wow-it's really negative- I sound bitter and brutal-

So the other day I started happy tone style post and was talking about happy things I did and what made me feel good that week. Suddenly I hit the wrong key and the whole post vanished.....ironic? I think so!

It's like the blog rejected the happy tone!

I will try to be positive again on another post- let's see how that one goes!

really ? back to that?

The "Hair Cut" issue came up again this week and all I can say about this is f-o!!!!

Wow how self centered can one person be? I haven't spoke to him unless I have to about work issues since he brought it up again this week in front of the whole office all the while trying to recruit a co worker to back him saying you laughed at it didn't you? ( you laughed at the stupid comment she ( me ) made. )
I can't get over the fact that almost four months have past and he's bringing it up again. Grow up the world does not revolved around you or your looks! Get over it-

Sadly my one coworker with whom I really get along is leaving and he plans to speak to the boss about my coworkers and the issues and exclusions and the aggressiveness and let the boss know know what's going on.

He never told me a thing about this until he was about to leave and it was such a relief to know I am not alone in feeling what I do. The person I think is cold - he feels he can't read her and he doesn't trust her- on the other person he says he feels know where it's coming from and there is so much transparency that he can read him and cut him off before he gets going.

I wish I was leaving too but with so much going on right now I can't add another stress~

Fab passive agressive friends

I found a book the other day and it was full of drawings- as I sat to look at it my girl said to me that it was given to my son by one of his friends and it was from a former friend of his at school. This friend was drawing pictures of snipers shooting my son dead. He drew pictures of guns and bombs and all kids of violent things and swear words related to my son.

The fact that this comes from a kid who spent time with us at the cottage and was a close friend just blows my mind. Then to hear from the school official that I talked to that not only did the teachers know that there was a problem between these two kids but the parent's that were my friends at the time took the time to alert the school that there was a problem. No one bothered to talk to me about it from the school- they just listened to the one side of the story hearing what they had to say and that's it!

Last fall my friend /this parent called to say the boys were not getting along and I said that if it was my son picking on him or bugging him he would apologise and he did say sorry to the child that very day right there on the phone...I made it clear that this was not okay and if he did something that hurt him he should not repeat this.
Now knowing that things are never one sided I did say to the mother "I know that our husbands were quite stubborn and that it may well be that the boys also are ...." I did allude to the fact that her son may be doing things that also contribute. I guess by suggesting that I was now considered "not approachable" any more. yep that's what she said to the school about me, and I was a little taken aback today to hear that. Apparently that's her way of being proactive about this.... dis me in front of the school people before I even know the fight is on! Well I had a long chat about this with the school and I also have a meeting next week about this and I will have no problem calling her out on the fact that she de friended me to everyone else but me and made an issue between a few school kids dissolve the friendship. And more important that her child is very aggressive and angry and the drawing he made were downright sick.

I hate e-mail

Why I hate e-mail

• I hate that I go to the e-mail and panic that I haven't heard from someone in 2 days- but I do- I hate that...Seriously 2 days? People are busy why should that panic me?
• I hate that I sent all these e-mails with people looking for a home for the cat they have and only 1 replied that he's taken.
• I hate that I look at my e-mails after they are sent and they have typos.
• I hate that I always feel the need to check my mail- I have driven to a place in the country only to bring a laptop in case I find intranet!
• I hate that I hardly speak with some people anymore because I can send them an e-mail instead.

Ok the really big one is the house I renting! I really want to make sure that he's renting it to me!!! I am going crazy wondering if he's cashing my cheque and worrying about getting the keys and if I really don't want this all screwed up!!! I hate being responsible!

panic?

I sent a cheque to the person from whom I am renting a house in the Keys and I am waiting since Jan 29 for them to get the cheque and cash it- then I start to panic that I will somehow get screwed in this whole deal!

If I don't and it works out ok- it'll be the first time in a long time that I just take 2 full weeks and relax! I am a week at the house and a week on a cruise. I am trying to keep calm and just look forward to everything but man I am starting to notice that I am a real worrier!
At least the flights are booked and I guess if it comes to it we'll book a hotel or something! I just need to be in the warmth and sun a little while and I'll feel ok ....

I need to think cold beer - pool and let my head find a happy place !

I miss the days when my husband would choose where we went and just take charge- I remember one time we booked a hotel in the Keys and it was poolside on a resort and facing a restaurant and it wasn't terrible but it was nothing like the place he found to move to. I guess I am a bit complacent in my ways and he just went into control mode- he got the CAA book out and called around until he found a place he wanted to go then he packed us all up and moved us to the golf side of Florida- it was a long drive and boy was he right- it was one of my favorite vacations- we ended up in a fantastic little condo overlooking the ocean with a plank walkway walk to the beach- it had a pool and BBQ and full kitchen and he was so right about it all! I miss him more now than I did the first weeks and months after he died. It just seems harder and harder. I wish I could slip back into that place where I was when I had him to take care of everything- I am not high maintenance but I did like the aspect of someone caring for me. I don't really get that being a single parent. I miss just asking for someone to help because that is part of your partnership. I'll never have that again- even if I meet someone- my kids will always be mine and no one else is responsible or ever will be for them except me. It's hard knowing that I will never have someone to turn to.

I miss him so very much

week day off

I felt lousy and so did the kids- we were all off yesterday and RJ was off with me the day before- what did I get done? Sleep! I think every so often I need to just sleep like a teenager and stay in bed and cut off the world until afternoon. I felt rather guilty but then I was starting to feel really emotional and it combined with aches and pains and no appetite translated into a mild flu.

I got some money transferred into my account from the investor's group that's holding it and paid off a credit line I had tapped into. Now I have a couch to pay for then flights and spending money for the trip to the Keys to worry about- as well as the painters coming and next week and money for the probation fees and I was thinking about framing some room in the basement to work out in....but in the mean time I feel better with all credit cards paid off ( except the flights I booked today) and the credit line at Zero!

Other than that we booked our flights and the cruise is paid for and I am really looking forward to this vacay!
I looked at my holidays and noted that I have a few compressed day I can use and a few bonus days like the personal and volunteer days so that minimizes my holidays taken. This is really good because then I can take summer vacation to care for the kids!

Painting furniture cleaning - beer!

These are a few things in my life right now. I got rooms redecorated and painted- I ordered and received furniture and I have started having a few beers during the week at night.

Although I am really pleased with the work I am doing around the house I really need to be careful I don't get into the habit of having a glass or 2 of wine too often or beers.

It's hard though because I am fond of both!

I would really like to loose some weight and the beer and stuff doesn't help!
Well at least I got a lot done even if this means that some nights I drink to reward myself...I think that's what I was doing. I was rewarding myself for all the hard stuff.... I know it's a slippery slope when you do that so at least I am recognising it and trying to curb it!

Another day another dollar

I can't believe the way money flies out of my wallet and life- I have a birthday for RJ and next thing I know it I have spent the moon in doing over the bedroom and a new lap top then a new under water camera.....

I suspect I am spoiling them in light of the circumstances and I know this will have to stop but I really wish I was rich because spending money comes way too easily to me. I only hope that I don't spend too much and find I am in debt. So far so good. I have enough to cover the expenses and live a little!

back to fun and games

Question....

How could there only be 5 people in my office and one of them never talk to me? Yes folks this is related back to the guy who's haircut was almost an argument.

He went on a trip over Christmas- I learned about it after he left and still don't know where he even went.... normal? I think not! The fact that he didn't say a word to me before or after is just excluding me. That for those of you that don't know is a form of bullying.
The ice princess always speaks cordially to me when they have to speak -but neither say hello/ Good morning and neither do anything to relate to me. She is polite as much as he is but both seem so self involved that they have no time for me. Funny but I see him talk to others and today he hasn't even said hi. I gave him mail and he thanked me but not one word to me other than that.

I'm not like the person who needs all the attention all the time but in working with various divisions and workplaces I have never felt so isolated and unwelcome as I do with this group. yesterday I had my 11 and 13 yr old kids here for 1/2 an hour - he pranced in and looked at the director's office and saw them using the desk to do their homework for 15 minutes before I left. Did he say Hi? No
He gave me a look and asked who's that? My kids I frowned back. a minute goes bay and he asked "how long before we go." I say "10 minutes why?" then he says "I don't think they should be at (my bosses) desk. " I reply that "(my boss ) cleared the desk before he left, so they are fine"
I have worked here 7 going on 8 years and never been told my kids could not sit with paper at someones desk when they are not there. He doesn't even know what my boss said before he left- maybe he told me I could use the space? The fact is that the culture in this workplace is such that having your kids in a few minutes or even an hour is no big deal. he's just trying to make me feel uncomfortable.

holidays- check that one off....

Well I am having a Greek salad from Farm Boy for lunch....(a Canadian grocery place - mostly fruits and meats and veg) I am trying to eat better as the bathing suit weather is just around the corner as is my trip to Miami and the cruise.... I have most of the Christmas stuff done and well I am surprised I pulled it all off this season. I had people for dinner on the Eve friends without family they can hook up with...followed by a jog over to the people we live next to for drinks, more food and a hot tub until 4 am :) . Entertained all siblings/families and my parents Xmas day at my place....some how I got to bed at 5am got the trurkey on at 9am and then made it through all the other stuff and clean up for 20 + people....and then cleaned again the following day for the stuff we didn't have the energy to do. And by we I mean me. I got more done by myself after the fighting got so bad that the kid's got confined in their rooms. Next drove 4 hours to Peterborough for my husband's family dinner. Drove my niece back and got her home safely even though it was in the center town ( an extra hour)and I live in the West end which is where we enter the city.
Then I had the kid's friends over for NY eve..... I bought alcohol free bubbly and popers and hats and I think they had fun!

It was a hard Christmas and I cried many times over the last few weeks thinking of our loss. I tried to laugh and be happy and enjoy the new memories. It got a bit better with the kids and then worst then better then... you know how the pattern goes.
Before school days start again the last day off went by way too quickly. I think the kids listening was at an all time low and we had a bad night. The morning came and went and I got to work late but I'll stay late then, no biggie, but I am still very sad about the whole freak out my daughter did last night. I think it's hormones and stress and being tired. I know she's had a hard time sleeping so we got up early our last day and did a bunch of stuff and I had hoped with all that she'd be tired and sleep well instead she freaked well. I hope despite the nerves and stress of the season we get a bit of a calm over the next month.